174- CBT2017- 15 (2) : Advice in facing social gatherings

In post 173 I detailed a good portion of my 15th CBT session. However, the majority of the session turned towards my anxieties at an upcoming social gathering that shall be on the 12th of February : my 5000th day veganiversary. 


Through my therapist's questions, I could voice that in the end, my anxieties are caused from various sources, but that they are (off course) exaggerations. 

 She asked me what could happen? My fears, I noticed, were about my capacity to properly entertain the various friends ; what social graces dictate from me as the host (how long do I stay with each person or group of persons, since we'll probably have to divide everyone to 2 or 3 rooms), how to deal with the fact that I barely know 3 of these friends, that I didn't see them for months, and that I do know the other ones much better. 

• The first piece of advice was to envision the worse-case-scenario. As all these people know one another - some re-arranging their visiting hour to see one another - the worse case cannot be strife between anyone. All are vegans, so there couldn't be an issue about that, either. The worse-case that could happen, I could gather, would be spilling drinks, breaking of dishes or some domestic accident... Nothing deadly, really. Nothing to cause my level of anxiety. 

Imagining the worst in this advice was to help to minimise the anxiety, because once you realize that nothing truly dangerous or disastrous would happen, you can better face the occasion and thus, you don't feel the same level of anxiety anymore. 

• The second piece of advice resulted from a discussion, which I must now tell. Talking about the fears that I realized during the previous portion (see above), I mentioned that most of my life, starting in childhood, I'd assumed that I had an inner contradiction - that part of me was introvert and antisocial, preferring isolation and that as a result I had come to hate people in general , whilst another part of me needed social interactions, yearned to see and talk with others. 

My therapist pointed out that I didn't actually have a contradiction, but that I had fears. Indeed, I replied, indeed so. I just didn't properly understand the nature of my feelings as a child, and attached different words to them. Off course, I had fears from social events, but I also needed them. (a topic to be covered in a future post, it was already planned). 

This second advice was to note and remind myself why I invited these friends, how it would help me to grow - what values I attached to this or other invitations. 

She told me that from all our sessions, she could gather several points about me and my personality, and value system, observations which are all true :

• I'm passionate about deep exchanges, not shallow ones.
• I love making a community live and thrive.
• I love encouraging meetings (I did create and instigate this gathering)

She suggested that I shall find other such observations on my own, and this inspires me to prepare a specific blog post, to address how social gatherings help me grow and thrive. 

My therapist also pointed out that I'm very passionate, for ex with my participations in Mh community on twitter. 

Then, she also said something profoundly philosophical : that I'm a dreamer, who wants to make the world a better place, and that dreamers can indeed move mountains, but that sometimes, those mountains are one's fears. 

I was really touched from this observation, that is highly thought provoking and philosophical just like many wise quotes one can find everywhere online... from various currents and schools, this is indeed an absolute Truth : one's fears are the ultimate enemy, but in my sense, not to be necessarily vanquished and set aside. Rather, I think fear has a purpose and must be used not to do stupidly dangerous acts, but not let fears override one's actions and thought patterns to the extent of a debilitating phobia because that usually creates avoidance of situations, losing one's capacities to face the situation in an ever worsening cycle - until we learn to face both fear and situation, in gradual levels and duration. 

I also got a very logical confirmation that these same pieces of advice are to be applied for any other big social event that causes me (or you) so much anxiety that it becomes crippling :

• learn to reduce by realizing that the worse-case scenario is only a mind construct, that it actually won't be as bad as we think. 
• and to search for the end goal, what we gain from doing it, what we'd lose if we avoided and what personal growth values we attach to each aspect and situation.