188 - #xpo173challenge - Days 12-26

Second portion of my exposure challenge, starts with day 12 - the day of my 16th CBT session ; we are on February 28th, for which my exposure is automatically done as I go to a local hospital where my therapist receives me. 

I have to wait thrice - first for admissions, then to tell a hostess about my appointment (so she can call my therapist to let her know I've arrived), and lastly, I wait in the side hallway, next to her office. Here, foot traffic of patience and personnel vary but is usually quite busy - and today it was actually busier than ever - in all 9 months of CBT. 

I managed to focus most of the time on reading a book that I brought, glancing regularly up to make sure I wasn't missing my therapist's arrival, and also, I'll admit, some anxiety regarding all these people. To be frank, I wouldn't be surprised if there had been over 200 of them during my 35 minutes wait. In that respect, I did really well. 

187- CBT2017 - 16

As much as some therapy sessions can be tough and depict stagnation, this 17th was as positive and encouraging as any can be, with high praise from my therapist at the amount of exposure work I've done in the past 3 weeks - since our previous session. 

We had set together just a few of those exposures as goals, but on the 17th I created and started a challenge, to boost my (roughly) daily outings. 

186- 52 Weeks of gratitude - Week 9 - How did I do & feel this week?

This 9th out of 52 weeks of gratitude challenge is about how I did and felt, which I take quite literally.  So, how did I this week ? 

185- Anxiety & panic attack tools

I'm starting what I hope would be a series, about tools to help in cases of anxiety and panic attacks. 

I suffer from a couple dozen phobias, 4 of which are social (read on post 8 for details).
Also, I'm a very anxious person as I worry not only about what people would think about me, my appearance, social graces and the like, but also about how long I'm going to have to wait (public transports, lines in stores...), or possible outcomes of situations. 

184- 52 weeks of gratitude - Week 8 - 3 PPL

8th week in this gratitude challenge, is to express it to 3 people. I take it, not the same as the previous friend, or family, or significant other. 

I feel quite limited, because I have more than 3 people to thank, yet I must. (but you'll see that I actually thank 4 people in the end). 

183 - #xpo173challenge - Days 1-11x

As announced in post 182, I'm now starting my very own challenge : it's my self exposure therapy,  to run concurrently with exposure tasks my CBtherapist assigns. 

You might ask why I titled this post with days 1-11 ; my answer is simply that day 12 corresponds to my next CBT session & I feel it'd be a good moment to reevaluate and update my goals. 

182- #xpo173challenge= My Exposure Challenge (0)

Hello all. 

The past few weeks have been quite difficult. I invited friends and family on regular basis, and went out for shopping when it was needed. But, the spike in my social anxieties have been such, that I stayed home much of the past 6 weeks, reading books or computing - and started to stagnate in the frequency of my exposures. 


I had managed to run some important errands, and personal victories about which I blogged, but the overall status hasn't moved much and it needs to. 

181 - Vegan q&a (2)

As announced, Feb 11th marked my 5000 days since I became vegan - after a lifelong vegetarian lifestyle.

3 months ago, I participated in the vegan tag and thought to conduct another q&a which I now address. 

I received very few questions, just like aforementioned tag. In spite of this, there should be enough to fill this post, because one of them requires a longer response.

180- Exposure (CBT15-16) (3)

Today's exposure continues my blog posts, public transportation (a few buses, one busy tram), outing with my wife to a café and a few stores, which would turn out not only fruitful in a few items, but also for my social anxiety, exposure practice, and lastly, daring something new. 

Indeed, the first café turned out impractical due to lack of space to accommodate my wife, a friend of ours and me. We went to a different one than the planned café. This was easier to do than I thought and ended up more spacious anyway, with plenty space between us and others there. 

179 - Exposure (CBT15-16) (2)

Second series of exposures since CBT 15 was yesterday's 5-store outing. 

Indeed, the first of them concerned not only exposures of public transport and shopping, but complaining and returning an item. This turned out to be a bit complicated because I had misplaced the ticket. 

So, they found trace of it ; I had bought it 1 month ago. They normally don't accept returns over 15 days, which is stupid in this particular case : it was a factory defect.  Anyway, I got them to accept the return, because I didn't budge (big challenge). 

178 - Exposure (CBT15-16) (1)

My 15th CBT was a lot about my therapist's suggestions regarding my 5000 day vegan anniversary that was this past Sunday. Indeed, it was a big gathering, as we had invited 10 friends, to come, each in turn as early as 2 & late as 7 PM. 

177- 52 weeks of gratitude - Week 7 - A friend (1)

52 weeks of gratitude, already 7th week, dedicated to a friend. 

Since we already had a post for my wife, I'll discuss here my current, other best friend. Her name is Anna. I met her in a FB veggie & vegan group, we sympathized through growing mutual comments and ended up adding one another as friends. This far, nothing out of the ordinary, right ? 

176 - 1 Year of MH blogging

Well, It has been 1 year to the day since I started this mental health blog. It was born from many factors, not the least of them a deep need to talk about my various mental illnesses and try to make sense out of them, in the midst of a quest for a proper CBT therapist. 

Indeed, if you are new to this blog, in the earliest stages of it, I had posted my chaotic path entry, shortly after the initial welcome & how to use this blog (first three posts). 

To avoid repetition, I invite you to read it and come back to continue this present entry. Go on. I'm not going anywhere. 

175- Social gatherings and self-growth

During my 15th CBT session, my therapist raised an interesting topic. She was giving me advice how to better handle anxiety in a specific social gathering, and which can be expanded to any social event. 

This advice is to note and remind myself why I invited these friends, how it would help me to grow - what values I attached to this or other invitations. 

At that moment, I was inspired to work on listing various ways and positive effects that social gatherings have on my psychological well-being. (my list won't be organized, but in flow of inspiration). 

174- CBT2017- 15 (2) : Advice in facing social gatherings

In post 173 I detailed a good portion of my 15th CBT session. However, the majority of the session turned towards my anxieties at an upcoming social gathering that shall be on the 12th of February : my 5000th day veganiversary. 

173- CBT2017- 15 (1)

I'm back from my 15th CBT session that was very positive - in spite of a mix-up regarding the appointment (in short:  therapist called me yesterday morning to change our meeting to today, telling me 2:30 PM but meaning 3:30, which she had noted in her calendar. It happens that she had a 2:30, but ran half an hour late to take. It was with a woman who had to run to pick up her children at school, so I naturally let her pass, not only because she was more pressed than me but also because her actually session was supposed to be before mine).

So, I sat there, reading in the waiting hall, and which turned out to be a difficult task due to the constant movements of people - constant, and with the sounds of clunking high-heals on all the stairs. Next time, I'll bring an easier book than Tolkien, which requires a lot of concentration.

172- Effin' tired of emetophobia

***trigger warning*** : emetophobia 

I'm so effin' tired of emetophobia!!! I just passed 10 minutes to sort the laundry - a difficult task at all times, but today, for some reason, it spiked so high that I had to run to the kitchen window, breathe cold air whilst shivering with nausea so strong that my eyes were tearing by themselves. I cannot wait to start the CBT directed to eradicate this phobia, it's out of proportions and I cannot even step away from it for one second... That and my coprophobia are my two worst mental health illnesses, possibly more so than cPTSD even because I do get breaks from the latter one - not from the other two that won't budge and attack me almost every second of my life. That is, ever since I first showed symptoms of it, I think 30-35 years ago.... 

Go away, damn emeto & coprophobia, go away and don't ever come back. 

171- 52 weeks of gratitude - Week 6 - My city

52 weeks of gratitude - Week 6 : the city I live in.

170- Vegan-iversary

On 12th February 2017, I shall celebrate 5000 days as a vegan and for this occasion, have invited a few local friends to pass several hours eating, merrymaking and video games, but you, my readers who don't live close enough wouldn't be able to attend and for this reason, decided to create this post for you to ask your questions about my veganism - here or, if you prefer, by email lulupetals@mail.com  (tell me if you want me to put your name or to appear anonymously) 

On that day, or just around it, I'll reply (if there are too many, I'll have to pick and choose the order, but I shall try my best to answer all).

So, what would you want to know ? 

169 - Exposures Jan-Feb 2017 (CBT 14 to 15 tasks)

For a change, I'm not reporting my newest CBT session as it'll be next Monday afternoon. I just wanted to discuss exposure tasks, from those I was supposed to do as well as additional ones.

168 - #365daysofselfcare (February 2017)

It's February, time to start a post for this month's 365 days of self-care challenge, which I started on January 17th, but hadn't followed it for a few days towards the end of January, for various reasons into which I won't go.