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This month has been quite difficult for me. Not because of the return of the cold weather and its lot of slow-downs, but because it's the one, last chance that I would have to bring any kind of legal action against the man who was my sperm-donor and should have been a loving, caring father, raising me properly and making basic mistakes like all parents...
Instead, that man, with his un-diagnosed mental illnesses of narcissism and schizophrenia not the least of them was my main abuser for a decade and a half, after an initial trauma that he created within my child's psyche : he severed me from my mother, as well as from that half of my family and genetic buildup and my birth country.
This father-that-was-not evaded the authorities back when it all happened. I was on the newspapers. (I saw them). This man didn't stop there. He lied to me, for years pretending that my mother was actually the new woman he had married during my youngest years, very shortly after divorcing my real, birth mother.
Not only that, as you recall my previous posts about this particular part of my life, all under the heading cPTSD , religious cult & abuse, he physically, emotionally and psychologically abused me - basically every day of life, my survival under his thumb.
His upbringing was tainted by his megalomania and schizophrenia : humanity's savior, the last messiah to come down to this ''rotten materialistic planet'' (in his terms) , he had very important ''plans'' for me.
For these plans to work, he had to use the same techniques as all other religious cults : depersonalization. Thus, his abuse was continuous, vicious, and left so many scars that I barely scratched them in therapy and on this blog.
But, what has been the so difficult for me this month, is that all his actions, which are all technically illegal are about to go unpunished and un-punishable. This is due to a flaw in the legal system that doesn't take into account victims' trauma and abilities to rebuild oneself, especially after spending so many years in the cult created by one's own father.
This flaw is called ''statute of limitations'', which means that a person has a very specific number of days, weeks, months, years, to press charges against someone. Past this deadline, a victim/ survivor can do nothing against the person/s who caused harm/s.
Fine, I understand that the legal system is clogged ; that the prisons are overcrowded and so on... I'm not blind.
Fine, you'll say that in all the couple decades since I came back to my home country and have been rebuilding my life, I could have pressed those damn charges. So, why didn't I?
Why, indeed ?
I didn't want to rock the boat - I have half siblings.
I never had enough money to pay a lawyer to get things properly done. (that does play a role, as it did when my mother tried to get justice and was put off by all the barriers that were set on her path, due to the international nature of this case).
Ultimately, fear and trauma have both played the major part in blocking the decision to ''rock the boat'' as I recalled his words that if I ever did anything against him, all the people I knew would be in danger... and also, his words about him being the last Jesus and that one day, someone would raise against him and this would precipitate the end of the world, after the ultimate jugement of this Judas.
It took me many years to break somewhat away from taking it at face value - now that I'm an atheist and no longer believe any of the nonsense he was feeding me.
But, I never felt ready, psychologically (and financially) to undertake anything against him, and if I'm ready one day, it'll be too late, because of this damn statute of limitations that expires this month.
My last chance has or just about, gone. It's difficult to accept that this man is walking scot-free, still having followers, still damaging and poisoning people's psyches and minds - just like he did to me.
It's difficult to accept that I let fear and trauma, as well as financial factors take over the possibility of justice...
I don't trust that I would have gotten too much justice done to him ; not for all his continuous abuse and setting so many barriers in my life that I'm late on just about everything in getting somewhere and rebuilding myself has taken so long...
It's an ongoing process, and in spite of memory loss over the years, scars and traumas are always somewhere on the surface of my life.
How can I learn to accept that this is it ? that legal action is no longer possible and that I'll never get justice about my traumas ? the question, for the moment, remains unanswered.
I don't even believe in the divine, or the all too easy to mention karma. Many bad people go unpunished in their lifetime and no one can prove that there is such a thing as ultimate harm done to them in an afterlife or post or next life and even if these exist, they are poor consolation because I'd be also dead and somewhere else - still getting no sense of ''yea this bad guy got his due''.
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