165- Feeling raw / cyclothymic depression

I'm feeling raw, very irritable and my mood pendulum swung so low, even music didn't alleviate me at all.

For some reason, when the apartment becomes untidier and less clean, my cyclothymia tends to sink into a very deep depression that makes me want to stop a lot of my favorite activities and give up on more sporadic ones such as art, where I exaggerate my feelings of lack of talent into a total and complete inadequacy and that I'm wasting my time in even trying them.



All day, I had a mixture of many emotions and causes - some of which I'll discuss in other posts.  It took me many hours before these turbulent waters calmed down and I could feel, if not great, at least not as bad.  

As I actually compose this post on the 25th but with both yesterday and today in mind, I want to preserve the ''present'' aspect my feelings had, yesterday on the 24th. I merely edited out the part that I didn't actually totally mean : the one about stopping all my blogs only because I hadn't gotten many comments on them. 

After talking about it with my wife and also Kay, I came to realize and accept that 
a) the first goal of them was talking. The present MH blog is also therapeutic. The others are reviews to which I can go back and know how I thought about a specific book, movie etc, at a given time in my life. 
b) it takes time to build one's space online. Maybe I need to advertise more and circulate links, to maybe get a comment, but I shouldn't live for this goal - it'd only be like a cherry on the cake. 

With this in mind, and feeling less irritable than yesterday (everything is cleaner, even myself), my cyclothymia has risen back to a more comfortable position (albeit precarious, as you'll see in a post to come).