149- Dysmorphia, self-image and gender WIP (2)

grab a cuppa, you'll get 1,364 words to read hereafter!

As a continuation to several previous entries about non-binary gender, and self esteem issues that I suffer from to this day, I want to discuss aspects I only began in post 148 and found my entry growing far too long, and which concerns mostly my dysmorphia (hair and vocal)  I now pursue my train of thought into a second part. 


In the past, I knew only of cisgender assignments ; in cisgender, one can be only one of two sexes. Anything that deviates is misunderstood. 

In cisgender, we have inequalities between the genders, and sexual orientation is viewed in a narrow tube : heterosexuality is a norm, anything that seems out of this is either unnatural, sinful or any number of bigoted terminologies society comes up with. 

In basic cisgender norms, I display what society still calls feminine traits in my stride, my interests, sensitivities and the showing of emotions, and I dislike crude language - as opposed to what is expected of men in cisgender norms (and here I'll exaggerate the traits in a macho way) : big muscles, never cries or shows emotions, loves big machines, drinking beer and watching sports, and being generally insensitive to women's needs and social welfare, all the whilst talking rudely and obscenely...

Cisgender norms are evolving, but in their caricature aren't going fast enough to embrace all the individuals of this planet who came to widen all of these factors in such a way that we can now talk about non-binary gender assignments, and sexual orientations that are independent of one's gender identity.   

Discovering my fluid self identity : 

Indeed, I now consider myself gender fluid, queer, non-binary ; I am still heterosexual in the sense that I am aroused by ''people who biologically appear as cisgender women''. 

I never have considered my cisgender ''feminine'' parts of me to be negative or shameful ; in the past couple years as I have been experiencing more fully my inner self and started working on my self-confidence.  I also decided to be braver and display this new gender fluid me by asserting my fashion tastes.

 I began wearing clothes bearing floral motifs, because I always found them to be very pretty and have been trying to display who I am, and be more in tune with who and what I feel : a sensitive ''guy'' who likes flowers, for this particular example. If I wasn't afraid to be beaten up in the street, I would wear ''women's clothes'' because I find them to be prettier and more varied in decorative motifs. 

I also stopped getting hair cuts and let it grow longer, dyed in colors that are usually associated (in our society) with femininity:  pink, purples. This I did out of personal taste, I prefer longer hair ; I feel prettier, and my new me needs to be more assertive in my statements, and possibly help others to break away from cisgender stereotypes and thus help society grow to fluid definitions. 

With my new look, I have been mistaken for a woman by quite a few individuals in my city, here in France. But, I didn't get offended. I think if people cannot distance themselves from stereotypes and cisgender associations, they are the ones who have a problem. Just like those who, a few years ago, have labeled me derogatorily as gay for any number of their reasons, they are the ones who have a problem - not me. 

First of all, to those who read me and think the same way as them : if you see a man who has no massive strength to lift a motorcycle or slam a truck's door when you do, it's not because of this man's sexual preferences - they can be homosexual, or in my case heterosexual and simply not have been body building, inflating muscles and often also the ego. Assuming and labeling a man as gay just because of what you deem physical weakness shows lack of open mindedness, and prejudice. 

Second, colors have no gender. They simply are. Pink isn't only for women, and blue isn't only for men. When I was typing in pink in the old days of Yahoo chat, people assumed that I was a woman, just because of societal stereotypical associations. Back then, the arguments lead me to prove that I was actually a ''guy'' because, at the time, I identified as a hetero man. As colors simply are, and people can be non-binary, no stereotypes can survive these associations. 

Third, you may associate long hair with women, or to rockers. I am neither. 
Are you perplexed ? don't be. Hair is hair, it grows if you don't cut it (and if you don't have stress, genetics, or some illness that caused it to fall). 

Mistaking to label is a whole series of errors on the part of people ; the human need to name and call everything created a good number of stigmas and prejudices because terms follow slow moving norms and in the past few decades, these norms have exploded outwards, shattering everything everyone comfortably thought they knew. Mistaken labeling could lead those who doubt back on themselves, and close them in the cisgender prisons.

Mistaken labeling shows the need to expand these terms - to open the gates of our society and its robotic thinking. 
It also shows that as long as some still believe that male is good and should dominate, all women will suffer all the inequalities of second-rate individuals - and this is a huge issue in our societies. 

I could go on, but suffice to say that what society decided as acceptable cisgender norms are temporary. All these definitions are in constant process of re-definition, so I ask you to keep this in mind : what you call today a dual-gender society is already far in our past. Our society isn't dual anymore, and it's time you wake up, smell the coffee - and the multitude of genders and sexual preferences, as well as reassigned associations. Break the stereotypes and norms - they need to go away. 

Now that all this is said, I'll get back to the other topics : I mentioned in post 148 that I am a feminist. Actually, I discussed this further in specific posts about that particular topic of feminism, but I want to be precise : I am a humanist, and so many other things that I won't go into further epilogues here. Except to say that they are to be seen under the umbrella of humanism and non-binary norms. 

I need to conclude (for the moment) that I actually always have been gender fluid - but that it was a process to learn the term and to truly define part of who I am. Off course, as I said in post 125, I am more than the sum of my parts, so gender fluid doesn't fully define me, and that is fine. It gives everyone, including me, more to discover. 

I needed time to mature a process that started in my childhood, and further to come to actually show these aspects of me - because I used to be very mousy, scared that I'd be beaten-up or ridiculed. 
I lacked self confidence just about everything in life. Although I still lack in some regards, I will no longer hide. I will go out the way I am and the way I shall become. 

In respect to the dysmorphias : I have been told that everyone hears their voice differently, that this effect is normal but also, that my voice isn't as bad as I imagine it to be. 

I was also told that my hairy body's actually quite attractive - despite of my own self-image and wishing that I had a smooth ''un-haired'' body, it is found to be handsome. 

Now, as I am a person who likes being holistic, I would like to get to a point where I can reintegrate my 'male pol'e to my 'female pole', and truly be an entire being. This is the work in progress : reuniting and learning to love all my aspects, including my body hair, my 'manly voice', etc. 

Feel free to share your stories, experiences and tips on this quest - we can all help one another improve, with kindness and care. 

Thank you for reading.