148- Dysmorphia, self-image and gender WIP (1)

As a continuation to several previous entries about non-binary gender, and self esteem issues that I suffer from to this day, I want to discuss aspects I previously didn't even mention.

The first of these is Dysmorphia, which is an obsessive preoccupation that one or several aspects of one's own appearance is or are flawed and would require  measures to fix or hide.  

Content trigger warning including mention of DV 


I have hated my own body hair for many, many years - even from late childhood and early adolescence, I envied all the boys who had smooth-skinned legs and, very self-conscious, I grew to hate anything that might show my hair too much : sandals, shorts, trunks, swim-suits... I actually loathed the couple times I couldn't avoid going to the pool with my fellow classmates - and tried my best to convince my teachers not to send me (which worked usually, except for those couple occasions). 

I am not talking about the hair on my head in this respect - my trichotillomania was a result of anxiety ; not hating these specific strands on my head. 

I felt that my hair was quite unattractive and made me appear ridiculous ; 
I wished I could be reborn and get a new set of genes to prevent my hair from growing at all, or to have super powers to get rid of them... 
Conventional tools all sounded too painful, and since I have low pain threshold,  I never used them. 

This particular dysmorphia is linked to my refusal of looking like my father - who was very hairy (and if he's still alive, probably still is) ; as he was the one to hurt me the most in my life, at the source of my cPTSD and other mental illnesses, I rejected him specifically, men in general and my own masculinity in particular. 

This rejection was reinforced as I learned more about patriarchy (in my youth), and all the wounds men inflict upon women in our world - and which I witnessed day after day as my father verbally and physically abused my step-mother. 

Through my experiences, reading, and important friendships I had with women, I became a feminist, which is a positive cause to fight for.  

I didn't want to become the man that my father wanted me to be. I wanted to be a better man - a man who didn't enslave his spouse, a man who didn't verbally or physically assaulted women in general. 

All this was played mostly in my subconscious ; I found myself at ease with my women friends, and had great difficulties relating to boys in my youth, and to men as I grew up to adulthood. I felt most of them were macho, with interests that rarely ever coincided with my own. I was a geek, a book-worm, busy learning and trying to understand matters they didn't care for, and this effect only exacerbated over the years.  

It's actually only in the past few years, as I moved passed my late 30's and met more sensitive men that I finally started friendships with some men - although the great majority of my circle is composed of women. 

I usually feel quite intimidated by men, especially authority figures, or that I simply cannot relate to the great majority of them.  

Now, just like this blogger, I couldn't find a specific term to describe what both he and I have called vocal-dysmorphia. In my case, I remember hating being photographed and filmed during my entire youth and adolescence ; hearing my own recorded voice has always caused great discomfort and horrendous feelings of distorted voice coming back at me, not being the one I heard reverberate in my head as I normally speak, and this has become so big that I hate leaving messages on answering machines, or to listen to myself talking on any kind of recording. This is one reason why I only blog and never have vlogged. 

I am aware that I need to learn to love my voice instead of hating it - in the same manner that I have to learn to love my own hairy body, because hate doesn't help in mending wounds nor finding solutions to problems. I plan to research a bit more these issues and discuss them with a few friends, and start with two transgender men that art part of my extended family (through marriage and friendship), but in the meantime, if any of you, my readers and other mental health bloggers, have any ideas and tools to help me better understand and progress - please feel free to share your thoughts, experiences, insights and tips. 

(As this entry is growing too long, I am making a second part). 

(above entry was a total of 778 words)