129- Depression (4) : Suicidal ideation

Continued from 20, 60, and directly from 128 & 127

***Again, I'll remind that any of these can trigger ptsd. ***

As I experienced multiple depressive episodes in my youth, and especially in my teen years, with growing gloom and despair, I lost all hope. I saw no way of improving my survival under my father's religious dogmas and saw no end to my suffering. 

The last blows were political unrest with repeated attacks in public transports to the point of losing many hours each week, as I had to get off buses and be put to safety whilst the specialty squads would come inspect abandoned objects and stop any possible death toll by neutralizing these back packs... 




The worst, however, was that Damocles sword above my head - the one where my father forbade me from talking to girls. 

My depression turned to suicidal ideation and I sought ways to end my life once and for all. 
I had, however, an aversion to pain, so I didn't want to die too slowly or risk being only maimed. This is one reason why I never cut myself (that, and the fact that I have severe hemophobia).

I wished for quick and painless death, with 0% chances of missing myself, or being found and then being punished for trying to throw away god's gift of life by that emissary of god - that father of mine, since it'd entail more pain and more control of my every move... 

I did try to end my life, once I found what I thought a good plan : I tried jumping off a wall, with the idea of breaking my body immediately. But, as it turned out, I suffered from vertigo and ended up jumping off from a much smaller wall and only got scraped and hurt my knees. This plan failed, I turned to another. 

I had some knowledge of local plants, including poisonous ones... one day I ingested a few drops as the book I read said that was enough a deadly dose... but, nothing happened, except for some sour taste in my mouth...

I went on for almost a decade fantasizing that one day I'd find the perfect way to end my life, but I never did - until I was about 19 and became quite ill. But, that's a story for another time (if I even tell it). 

Suffice to say, that over the years, I grew tired of my own suicidal ideations and in spite of repeated depressions, my fantasies waned and as an adult, I very rarely had them anymore. 

I took it upon myself to try and help others in any way I could ; giving hope to the desperate and offering my ear and shoulder to anyone who needed me - i found it to be far more challenging than ending my life, because it meant to be alive myself... 

Corpses just cannot help others, not directly at least. 

So, just like they came, the majority of my suicidal ideations had left - though I am aware that they might come back with any of my depressive episodes, so I remain alert to this fact but I no longer dwell on them.

I have a much improved life, and I have escaped that religious cult.
I have been married for some years now, and even though I still suffer from multiple mental illnesses, I am doing better and working on further improving my conditions. 

Healing is possible, but with complex post-traumatic stress disorder, depression and phobias, I must remain patient, and so should you : every moment, every day, we must be patient and accept that we'll have ups and downs, success and setbacks in our path.

But :

Healing is possible.