128 - Depression (3)

Continued from 127.

*** trigger alert***


I cannot tell precisely when I experienced my very first feeling of depression, but I can recall, however, that I felt like I'd died when my father had kidnapped me from my (birth-)mother  and uprooted me to a whole different country when I wasn't even 5 years old. 
To this day, I have to admit that I feel very strong emotions when I read anything remotely similar on the news, especially of children of about the same age kidnapped or abused by a parent, because it really traumatized me greatly. 



I buried most of my memories from that early, unstable, period of my life, but I vividly recall that feeling as if I had died - and from that extended my wishes that I was actually dead, because for the next decade and a half or so, my life wasn't life anymore : I was surviving the ordeal of living with my father in his strict and dogmatic religious cult and growing duties until I became what I felt as a male Cinderella: I was a slave having to clean up the house (and later any of the many appartements we lived in) ; had to wash the dishes and was sent to the grocery stores, supermarkets and even downtown markets as I advanced in age. 

At first, I had small rewards, and these were taken away one by one, and replaced by additional tasks - meant to bring spiritual growth through service to everyone else in that family and congregation... since they could devote more time to their prayers and spiritual studies whilst I was slaving around... 

Actively witnessing domestic violence directed by my father upon my step-mother (again : at the time, I thought she was my real one), added a sense of dread to my existing trauma and depressions that I was already going through... 

Being physically abused and punished by my father added further gloom in my mind and heart... 

My father forbade more and more ''temptations of the unnamed'' (as in, the devil), from the outside world ; thus, I wasn't allowed to listen to music (except the religious ones he had), watch TV, read books (here again with exceptions of approved religious ones - and also school material was inspected).

I certainly wasn't allowed to play games of any kind : social, puzzles, yet along those violent and/or nude video games. 

Shortly before becoming a teenager, my cult leader sperm donor summoned me for an important talk, as in : yet another one way discussion forbidding me something. 
This time, he warned of the upcoming natural hormonal changes to come, and the threat not to talk to the girls I'd feel attracted to.
 He explained that it was the devil's temptation to create these hormones but that I wasn't to succumb to it but be spirituality stronger. 

He told me that when I would come of age, he would chose a woman among the ones who followed him (read : a disciple slave) to be my spiritual mate and that he'd perform our spiritual wedding ceremony in the name of god (read : himself, since he was both the son of, and god himself). 

He expressly forbade my ANY contact with girls, under penalty of death and I knew he meant it. 

This Damocles sword distressed me to no end. I couldn't see my life without love and affection of a girl and I indeed had those natural teen infatuations, but couldn't experience. 

The last straw that broke me was when political tensions arose in my new home country, and the constant threat of attacks and death both on this political end, and from my own father created such gloom in my mind that I couldn't see any possible future or positive outcome.

Not being allowed to even talk with girls was the biggest blow to my psyche, already traumatized and severely incapacitated. This was where being bullied drove me to bully others at school for  a short time (read about it here).

This was also when my depression turned into suicidal ideation - which I'll discuss in the next chapter.