127- Depression (2)

I hadn't planned to take this long to discuss my depression when I posted the introduction to the topic back in March. 
But, since then, I have posted over 100 additional entries and totally forgot about posting a second part, and discuss more about my numerous experiences with this illness.

First, I need to point out that there are two basic ''types'' shall we say for depression - 

• as a mood : ''a state of low mood and aversion to activity'' - the shortest and most concise definition, that won't do it justice, so I'll let you read a fuller definition on wiki (since they use less jargon than the DSM, the official manual psychotherapists use) 
• and then,  Major Depressive disorder, dysthimia and other Mood Disorders, which are more precise in their definitions

Secondly, depression affects every person differently and anyone can experience it - especially in our modern society which puts so much emphasis on personal achievements, efficiency and speed in reaching our goals ; normalizing and setting high standards or totally wrong sets of ideals (about topics as varied as beauty, politics and so on). 
Those aren't the subject of this particular blog entry and are too big for me to address in full on my blog at all since they are massive social issues that are studied by experts... 

Thirdly, I didn't even know the term depression when I first experienced it. It's a term I learned much later in my life - after many depressive episodes. 

I'll remind you here that I am not a therapist, and not going to discuss at present the exact terminology to which kind of depression I was going through since I cannot back-diagnose myself, short of time travelling, right? 


So, now that all those details are said and done - I have recently read a whole blog and found Liv Raimonde's definition of depression which I'll let you read as well to resonate strongly in my mind and echoed with my own definition, using similar imagery. 

Now, to summarize and expand upon her article and definition, depression is like an ever changing mountain one climbs on endlessly and can never reach a top since there isn't one. There are good days, and bad, stormy days, or days where everything seems to crumble around you. 

My feeling was very similar - climbing real mountains was and still is a pleasure and invigorating experience, but the depression mountains aren't fun. 

In my own definition, quakes occur on these mountains, and huge chasms are formed through this tectonic activity. 

I often felt like I was falling into those chasms, deep chasms of despair where darkness and putrid air were my only companions in my lonely childhood.
I felt like these chasms would often end in deep caverns, so deeply buried under the mountains that there was no possible way to climb back out of them - yet, I found ways, till I fell into other chasms, in endless cycles... 

As an adult, I have to sadly report that I have not many photos from my youth, and that I never smiled out of happiness on any of them - only out of obligation. 
There were two people who used to take those photos, my grand-father for whom I had to pose for hours, and for whom I'd smile a bit because I was happy only with him, and the rest by my step-mother (the woman that I thought was my mother for many years), for whom I didn't want to pose and yet was forced to both by her and my father, under threats of physical punishments. 

Many have told me that I appear distant and indeed I was - I was trying to escape in my mind since my body was trapped for the occasion, and my eyes habitually depict the sadness I was feeling - that sadness that I would know later as depression. 

As this post grew much longer than I'd anticipated, I cut it here and ask you to follow me into post 128,  and 129. Thank you for continuing reading this story.