118- Paris trip, social phobias & CBT assignments (2)

Just like my previous trip to Paris, I had a CBT session before this one and had up to 4 tasks for the 2 weeks between my 2 appointments. 

• Sending an official email > I did that during the first week, but have had no reply from the mental health organisation that I'd contacted. I plan to send my message again. 
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• Spend longer time in supermarkets, to reduce my anxieties > I'd been doing it partially since the previous CBT and continued throughout the past 2 weeks.
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• Continue asking for info & directions > again, this was the previous CBT assignment, and I continued it as much as I could, including during Paris visit that I'll detail.
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• I wasn't able to invite anyone to spend some time in our apartment, but the visit to someone else's in Paris, with my wife's family fulfilled part of this task.

And now, to this August Paris trip, which started with the bus ride there on 31/07.

My anxiety about meeting my wife's family was really big, and up until the last moment could've canceled my travel arrangements but I didn't want to dump it on my wife and let her travel alone and disappoint her, and myself : I needed to go and prove to myself that I could do it. 

My biggest anxiety after the ride to Paris (noisy child, error on my seat) was the bus to the flat : it was quite full, as my anxiety levels at 100 but I managed it well by making sure the luggage wasn't in the way and that I had an eye on it at all times. 

Once I met and talked with my wife's family, my anxiety reduced and over the next few days, talked with each and thus further reduced my anxieties. 

• I managed my anxiety levels more or less throughout the visit and various tourist activities : we went to the Louvre (1 Aug). There, after a short detour to the backyards, we headed towards the main entrance. 

As the line was too big and stressed me, I decided to ask someone for directions to the back entrance, which had a much shorter line and more manageable for me. (later as we left, I ran into the person who told us about it last month and I made a point to thank her for the tip).

As there were far too many people in front the Mona Lisa, I left it, just before the cousin did, so we ended talking together - first walking and then sitting. We both felt the same with the crowd and could use the opportunity to talk and get to know one another a bit more, which is a positive outcome to our decision to leave the Mona crowds. 

We all split to do our thing. My wife and me went to another section of the museum, and there, as she was drawing, a couple of tourists approached me and started talking. They were impressed by my wife's art and as we were waiting, we talked and I posed for and with them - so, there will be some photo of me out there online, and I didn't really care about being found... although I had some anxiety as they initiated talking, I made it in one piece as one can say. My anxiety reduced, and that was great to feel within myself because my older ME would've avoided this altogether. 

Later, a woman asked me to photograph her with her friend (with their cellphone), and I gladly accepted - I didn't feel anxious at all, actually. 

After we were all done at the museum, the family remained and my wife & I headed back to the apartment. As the bus wait was too long and I wasn't sure where the return bus stop was exactly, I chose the closest : the metro to get back there.

We only had 2 lines, each for 2 stops. The first was quite full (we had to stand),  and I managed my anxieties very well and had no panic attack. This was my biggest victory in this trip. 
The key to this success was the fact that I decided to go in ; I wasn't forced into it.

At the end of the day, I went to the local supermarket alone, and the small anxiety I felt was on the way there - regarding my security as I walked passed many people.

• Next day (2 August) was also busy : we went to Sainte-Chappelle, Notre-Dame cathedral and last, a veggie restaurant. 

The first stop was a bit of a failure for me, because I was a beta. After we stood in line for checkup, the info booth sent me to the back of the line and I didn't dare to contradict. I just went there, though the ticket booth was right next to us. 
As a result, I was grumpy for the remained of the visit in this chapel and the stifling air didn't help - nor did the narrow winding stairs to go up and see the actual art... 

Lastly, the art itself completely bored me and I felt cheated by the publicity for this place... the outside is much nicer but I had no time to take any photo. I took very few inside, and remained most of the time on the tiny terrace, trying to breathe. 

Then, we went to the cathedral. As I'd expected, the security line to gt in was big (double line) and caused some measurable stress (90/100) which I managed to surpass and concentrated on talking with the family. Once inside, the anxiety reduced to 75 and even 50, as time passed. I took many photos there, and at the end we left and walked towards our last stop of the day : a veggie restaurant across the Seine. 

Before going there, I had to use the restrooms, but was petrified at the idea of going to a café. My wife took me in and ordered an expresso so I could go to the wc. I went down, but I didn't dare to complain to the barkeep that the wc door ate my money... I just left. 

Eating in front of people has always been difficult, and this one didn't change it at all. My anxiety was 90 but again concentrated on talking, to avoid an overflow and having to run our of it (which would've been difficult due to more narrow stairs).

• 3/08, our third tourist day, my wife went with her family to the Eiffel Tower, and just like I'd anticipated, I chose not to go. I didn't feel ready to face another wait and the giant crowds in front of it, nor the one between the bus stop and the tower itself. It'd already been difficult last month to walk passed that area. 

So, I remained home preparing and then, went to run errands, alone. I had to ask for directions, and replied to a man who asked me, and then I went food shopping. Just after I ate, my wife sent me a text to let me know they were done at Eiffel and heading to the Orsay museum because I wanted to go there. 

On the way, I has to ask for directions to find my bus correspondance and then in the bus, I ended up talking with 2 tourists (about the Louvre, actually). - and I initiated this discussion as I overheard them being a bit lost. This is rare for me, and I did it with no anxiety.

The Orsay was the best museum experience : the lines were shorter, there were more spaces and fewer people than any of the previous locations we visited. 

The only cause for stress was when the security agent saw us sitting on the stairs (4th floor) and he rebuked us.... I responded and said ok we'll get up in 30 seconds, and I complained that there were no other seats... 

There was another issue, actually, upon leaving the museum. I didn't feel ok to go ask for directions to find the opposite bus direction, so my wife asked, and we headed there - though I was totally unconvinced of the answer she got (later I was proven right on that assumption, but the point here is my difficult asking for directions on this occasion). 

That later afternoon, I prepared dinner to thank my wife's aunt, uncle and cousin for making me feel welcome and part of the family - which I managed to actually say only the next morning as we were all about to leave the apartment. 

Anxiety levels during this trip had been up and down all over the place, but I had a good buffer by remaining behind and with my own key to come and go. This helped me a lot, because it took some stress away.

Now, I'm waiting for tomorrow's CBT session, to discuss all this (in hope that I can talk with sore throat we caught on the last day as it became cold and rainy). 

I made a lot of progress and look forward to manage some additional exposures, soon.