111 - PTSD 9 - Dissociation, Numbing & art projects

A couple months ago, I mentioned how part of PTSD issues pertain to emotional numbness, which is part of the dissociative nature of post-traumatic stress. 

As far as I can tell, some people have more or less permanently emotionless (emotional numbing) and others, like me, have recurring periods of it. 

I am going through one such an episode right now. Actually, I think it's been going on for a few weeks, with peaks every few days where my emotions go totally blank and I cannot know or fathom what it is that I'm feeling, if at all.

I know that my psych is very busy with nostalgic memories and thoughts regarding my paternal grand-father. I wrote about it just last week, in my Sacrifices entry 107. 

This past week alone, I've dreamed about him 4 times, and I think there were a few more this past month. 

But, the overall atmosphere the past 3-6 weeks have been a growing emotional void, that numbness and dissociative nature of PTSD. 




Last weekend (just a few days ago), I discussed with a new twitter mental health advocate I ''met'' and came to the conclusion that I need to rebuild self-confidence in my art, and paint again. It has been several years since last artistic period, and I'd like to convey part of my emotional empty state through art.

As I ponder and digest this and search for an inspiration, my wife taught me a few tricks this morning- that I shall try to put to practice as early as this afternoon. 

I need to do some art therapy, express myself through a different mean than writing on blogs or talking. I'll try to paint, and also do my first adult coloring book today : a book we bought in Star Wars convention 10 or so weeks ago and that I haven't gotten around to use. 

As we want to reuse the same pages, we scan and print - thus the book remains totally virgin. 

I hope these art projects- I have a few- will help ground me and regain some inspiration for other subjects, and also re-aquire some self-confidence.
This weekend's conversation with Brenda pushed me out of my comfort zone and I posted a few of my past paintings, some of which got immediate likes and even retwitted. 

This has boost my confidence a bit, especially when I saw that my rose bud was so popular and liked by a watercolor twitter page, where art was so gorgeous. 

I aspire to improve my technique, and I need to accept that since I haven't practiced much painting in my life, that a lot of it won't match my mental imagery, but it is through doing that each project can improve upon the previous. 

I am not in a contest. I am not ever going to be a genius painter because in my 4 or so decades of life, I haven't done much, and most known artists have been at it since their childhood.

I MUST enjoy the process and the end result. It'll probably look less than I want, but if I don't do it, I'll never ever improve... 

I need to work on my dissociation as well. This is one of my longest dissociative episodes thus far and I cannot let it settle. 

Art therapy will be one aspect. 
Hiking in nature and pursuing my digital photography, alone and possibly with a new photo friend can be another. 

More self-care, more action, less procrastination. 

To explain to you my current dissociative issue : I have been having some identity crisis, a lot of memory loss and cognitive difficulties in concentration, inspiration and motivation. 

I also have been experiencing emotional numbing; difficulties with the flow of emotions lately, and after discussing the matter with my wife this evening, have come to the theory that it all started about 6 weeks ago when we first started planning our trip to Paris. 

The anxiety levels rose, and as you know, I had a panic attack in the metro. 
This was a massive emotional overloading day for me, and my psyche started shutting down, exacerbating my dissociative state and also made it ''stick'' more. 

Last night, I wasn't able to fully express my happiness to my wife upon her return from her 6-days trip. Not because I wasn't happy, I was and also relieved that she was back. 
Instead, I was shut down into my shell, and was also experiencing some anxiety around all the people at the bus stops - though I wasn't even able to see and acknowledge this fact at that moment. 

Today, I did some art, and it helped a bit. Tonight, we watched an emotional episode and I managed to cry a bit - at least, my dissociation hasn't reached its worst and hopefully, these tears can push my emotions back to the surface.

I plan more art tomorrow. 
I also need to alternate funny and sad tv/movies, to get my emotions stirred again, and get out of this dissociation. 

I'll welcome any help, any tip, and advice, working this dissociation.
Please don't hesitate to comment or contact me - the email attached to this blog is lulupetals@mail.com