107- Sacrifices

We all make sacrifices in life - some by choice, and many are forced on us by circumstances or people. 



As one of my biggest ones, I had to sacrifice contact with my entire paternal family, due to his overbearing abusive religious cult, and his constant attempts to regain his control over me - in plain terms, he wanted me back to his cult, where he had ''great plans'' for me.
I was to assume the highest position (after his own) preaching and saving people from the upcoming doom and judgement day... 

I couldn't talk with any of my siblings without his eavesdropping - listening in on another phone - or any one of them betraying me and telling him anything that I'd done or said. (That aspect of it isn't even paranoia, sadly). 

I couldn't talk to my grandparents either. My grandmother reported to him everything and would tell him that I spoke with her - and 2 minutes later he'd call me... 

Talking with him on the phone was always difficult and would trigger severe emotional shifts as I faced the direct results of cPTSD : the trauma would revive with all its pains, every single time I spoke him with over the phone. 

For many years, I had no real choice about that; but, after I moved out and settled in another apartment I had a tremendous opportunity which I seized : I cut ties but not giving my phone number away, and actually registered as an unlisted number so it wouldn't appear in any phone directory. 

My overall mental health improved as I took my own strength to cut ties and stop being under his ''powers'' - powers he had over me as a child and that I gave back as an adult, because of the nature of his abuse and constant depersonalization. 

I met many of my paternal family members only once or twice. I cannot contact anyone because I know only a few of their names, and will not trust any of them not to betray me to him - I know for a fact that some members, including some of my half siblings blindly believe in him as humanity's savior and would indeed inflict any kind of pain in his name...

My biggest sacrifice regards the only half sane person in that entire family : my grand father, with whom I was very close, and who taught me a lot of things - not the least the truth about me, and my mother. 

We talked a lot, shared in artistic activities, walked adventurously, and we very close. 

But, as he is or was a very scared man, scared of his own son, and his own wife, any talk with him ended sadly known to both of them. 

I say ''is or was'' because I don't know if he's alive anymore. If he is, he'd be very very old... but, he might have passed away a few years ago, and I don't know of many ways to find it out short of directly asking someone in this dysfunctional family. 

The only other way is to search online, but I haven't found anything thus far. 
It'd be logical to assume that he already passed away as he was already old last time we spoke, but not knowing for a fact doesn't help to truly start the process of grieving.

My decision to cut ties was a just one, in view of my sanity and self-preservation from further abuse and trauma. 
But, it came with a huge price which weighs on me heavily, almost every day. I grieve symbolically the death of our contact,  a victim of circumstances and the 2 people that are between us....
  
I cannot deny the impact of never talking to him has had on me. 

I cannot deny that my mental health hasn't been a mess, but I know that if I hadn't sacrificed this part of me, it would've been far worse. 

I just hope that he realized why I had to do it, and forgave me for that awful decision. 
From what I knew of him, I think that he probably did on both counts. 

Grandpa, I miss you and I love you, wherever you are.