104- Paris trip, social phobias & CBT assignments

This past week, I spent a large weekend (from 30/6 to 4/7) in Paris. 

My wife convinced me to go with her and visit two of her friends who invited her to stay at their place. 

We were supposed to also meet an american friend travelling in Europe, but there were some complications and it didn't happen. 

Each day, I had to ask for some directions or informations, at least once a day, at stores, buses or the streets. Each day, I had to write down my anxiety levels - which I would do every evening once back to our hosts' apartment, or during my travels.

• The first day, 30/6 was spent in buses but I managed to ask  directions in a bus stop to find a correspondance and also twice in a supermarket where I was also approached by two different people. The day, I was surprised to note a much milder anxiety than I had anticipated in the weeks, months and years prior to renewing this Paris experience. It has indeed been 10 years since the last visit... 

• Weather forecast on 1/7 made us change our plans and we headed to spend 5 hours in the Louvre museum, where it started by a 25 minutes in the waiting line. I handled my anxiety rather well, and was surprised both at that, and the fast entry ( I thought it'd take a good hour, as it was midday when we arrived, just after eating our lunch on a bench, at the plaza behind the museum). 

I asked for information and help a whole of 8 times in and out of the Louvre and buses, with no particular anxiety - and even responded to a 20-question poll on the way out of the exhibits - talking over 5 minutes with our ''interviewer'' and having almost no anxiety and good rapport with her. 

I had felt very weird and left my camera in the appartement, so I shared with my wife, and often felt awkward and inhibited whilst visiting, and it took me a good while to loosen up for photographs. 

I also managed to talk and eat with our hosts with less anxiety than the arrival day, and even washed dishes and helped with food and dressing the table. 

• On 2/07, we had a busy day : first, we went to a vegan boutique (tiny restaurant/sandwich shop kind of place), to eat and meet a friend I hadn't seen in person for 14 years. We had both had anxiety prior to this meeting but it went great, we reunited and talked just like many years ago when we had first met. 

From there, we (and our hosts who joined us) headed to the Branly museum for a couple of exhibits, where I handled my anxiety levels very well.
Projections on the floor made me dizzy, and I complained to the personnel, and also wrote about it in the guest book - something I didn't use to do. I had no anxiety whatsoever in saying it. 

I didn't have much anxiety in their café, either, where I stayed with my wife and my friend to talk (our hosts had left), for a good couple hours before heading to walk around the Seine and continue talking and taking pictures. 

The issues started after my friend had left to go home, and we took a bus to head to our hosts'... and that bus dropped us off only one step further and it turned out that there were no correspondences  to where we needed to go. 

As we tried to find a way back, I felt that we were getting lost further and further from a bus solution and the mere idea of having to take the metro scared the hell out of me... anxiety mounted, and the emotions I had bottled since the morning coalesced into a knot in my belly. 
I could feel the panic starting to mount, and grow over the minutes, and soon, hours... 

We tried to connect elsewhere, but ended up in middle of a giant crowd, in front of the Eiffel tower and seeing this mob as well as many scammers arguing with their victims added a bad impression on top of all the rest... 

As it turned out, the Euro 2016 matches had interrupted many bus lines from their normal circulation and we walked through this mob of people,  in the rain and holding hands whenever possible... in an impossible quest for a bus that would bring us to our port... 

After a long walk, we ended at an RATP information booth, in front of Bir-Hakeim metro station... my panic was quite big already, our feet and legs were hurting. After gathering directions to go back to a bus, we ate at Subway, and since I was feeling so frazzled, I didn't even get that much more anxious from eating outside in front of everyone... 

As we got lost - again - searching for the bus stop, it became clear and evident that we had no choice but to take 3 metro lines to go back to our hosts. 

In the very first one, I had a massive panic attack and broke in tears, feeling my chest harden, my breathing difficult and my heart almost not beating, with the entire day's pressure and my claustrophobia in the metro just exploded... 

It took my wife 10 minutes to calm me down and remind me that I had to look at the positives (such as the metro itself being clean, faster and more comfortable than the bus we used to take, and was quite empty at that hour), as well as lavender essential oil that she had prepared for this trip.

Once ''home'', after 9:40 PM, it took me another hour to fully calm down and come to the conclusion that I had a lot to talk about in my next CBT (on 8th of July, in 2 days).

I retained the positives of that day, which were many, and in spite of the panic state and attacks, I had an overall good Paris trip.

• 3/7 was a Sunday. We walked to the Père-Lachaise cemetery and photographed the area and one another, though as usual, I had some inhibitions. Overall anxiety was ok, and 
• 4/7 we traveled back home , rather uneventful - though I asked our driver for help with my seat and helped a woman to go to a bus stop in our own city once we got off - with no or mild anxiety (respectively) 

During the visit in Paris, I had several constipations but apparently that is normal for many people who travel, outside of comfort zones. 

In spite of this first experience in 10 years, I'll go back to Paris, in just over 3 weeks... and meet my wife's uncles and cousin for the first time, and do some more tourism. That time, we'll spend time in an appartement their rented, with easier access on all levels: food to cook there, buses (and metros) are closer because in the center of Paris. 

I transferred the relevant data to my CBT notebook and shall have a LOT to discuss with my therapist this Friday... 

I survived my panic, I survived this Paris and it's filth, it's atmosphere and its population... even it's buses and metros, and two of its tramways which were actually the best transportation we had on the very last day.

I never thought I'd say it, but the enjoyment surpassed my issues and I felt far less anxiety than I anticipated... I even plan to travel there a bit more often than once in 10 years, especially since there are cheap bus fares to go there now (and which beat the train prices).

So, to be continued next month!