***hopefully, this won't be, but in case: ***trauma trigger warning***, if you also had trauma with your father***
As mentioned all the way back in post 63
(PTSD 3), part of the post-traumatic stress disorders reveals itself through 4
specific clusters.
Today, I'll concentrate on the aspect of
them : * re-living the event, through intrusive memories, nightmares or
flashbacks. I've talked about that, too, already: I have had many nightmares
and flashbacks, and until a few years ago also intrusive memories, until my
memory started to fail (a bit of a blessing, but I also forget important non
traumatic things and that's a problem).
I’ll concentrate on the
intrusive nightmares, and tell you about the evolution in this matter. If you
read my previous entries, especially the ones regarding my CPTSD (complex
PTSD), you know that my life has been quite difficult.
My father had been
verbally and physically abusive, and has dealt a huge amount of damage and
trauma to my psyche, for a decade and a half.
For many years, I was
haunted by horrible nightmares:
He would beat me up,
just like he did in the waking world.
He would chase me at
night, in darkened thick forests, and would systematically catch me and kill me
in numerous ways: with his bare hands, a knife, or a sword. Sometimes he’d
choke the life out of me, others he’d hit me repeatedly and leave me for dead,
with blood all over the place… (hey, maybe that’s the source of my haemophobia
instead of my nose bleeds? I need to investigate).
Sometimes, he’d just
stab me with his knife or sword, but quite often would slice at me horrendously.
My nightmares had been
very graphic, for many years. They would show up regularly, or periodically. Sometimes,
I had whole weeks with only this kind of nightmares.
I would wake up,
shaking and trembling, shivering and check my body for wounds and blood.
Over the years, the
frequency waned. They used to leave a bad taste in my head, in my mind. I
became quite preoccupied for days, and my sleeping patterns suffered.
Then, a few years ago,
the nature of these nightmares changed: I started fighting back. This was during
a period my overall mental health had improved, and I was talking more about my
issues with my therapist than I had done until that moment.
So, the nightmares
remained graphic, but I was fighting back. I had a knife, I had a sword. I was
found in the forest, but didn’t let things happen to me. I was hitting and thrashing
in my sleep, as my dreams were very vivid.
The nightmares became night-empowering-dreams.
I was defending myself.
I was escaping, eventually.
The nightmares became night-empowering-dreams.
I was defending myself.
I was escaping, eventually.
Then, these dreams
became less and less frequent, less and less graphic. There was no more need to
fight because I wasn’t found. I was escaping farther and farther, and became
able in preventing the search altogether.
So, my nights became
more peaceful, and eventually I had a couple years where I didn’t even recall
any dream whatsoever.
Recently, I noticed
that I could remember more dreams, once again. But they were usually of little
symbolic or psychological interest.
My nights are far
calmer. It’s possible for PTSD symptoms to diminish and disappear. Hopefully,
this will be permanent – I really don’t enjoy those nightmares.
Although I’m not healed
from my complex post-traumatic stress, or the many phobias which stemmed from
my traumas, I do enjoy the improvement in this one department.
Today of all days, I
wish I had a proper father to wish and celebrate, but instead I’ll be the
father of my healing inner-child, so, happy father’s day to myself, and to all
the good fathers out there…
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