*trigger warnings : abuse, domestic violence, cult*
I want to
discuss the notion of forgiveness and how it relates to trauma, especially in
my case.
I’ve heard
and read many people talking about the need to forgive in life. Religions and
spiritual leaders, as well as lay people, all talk about forgiving one another.
Now, I think that if someone finds inner peace in forgiving someone’s hurting
them in words or actions, this is positive.
I don’t
agree with religious doctrines of forgiving just about anything, or turning the
other cheek and that sort of principles. One shouldn’t have to forgive a person
who has truly traumatized them and hindered their growth and life.
One
shouldn’t assume that any action is equally forgivable. You don’t forgive accidental
and evil pain given the same way, and nor ‘’must you’’ in order to heal.
If someone
said or did something which accidently hurt you and asked for forgiveness and
truly meant it, you can forgive and pursue your relationship with that person.
You’ll know their honesty when they stop hurting you.
But, if
someone hurts you – once or many times – in a terrible way and were just plain
mean and you don’t want to forgive them, then don’t. It’s your right! And it is
mine, too.
One
shouldn’t just assume that the phrase ‘’I forgive you’’ is enough! It’s not enough for the person to start
healing if they say it, and it’s not what can help the person who hurt them to
evolve, either.
There are
some people, who are truly evil, and I don’t speak in a religious sense – if
you read me thus far, you’ll know how I feel about religions and doctrines.
You may be
able to explain why the person and his or her baggage led to hurt you, but
nothing in the world should force you to forgive – there are some actions that
are just unforgivable.
I haven’t
and don’t plan to ever forgive my father, who was my tormentor for 15 long
years. During that lapse of time, he depersonalized me, abused me physically
and mentally, hurt my feelings and stunted my emotional growth, and the
multiple traumas he inflicted on me were continuous and I am now an adult with
many scars.
I found
that I made some positive from these difficult life experiences with him, but
it’s not thanks to him, but to my own self, and my inner strength. And also to
some important people that came in my life.
The only
time of my life that I actually dared to tell my father that he had hurt me was
about a decade ago – many years after I’d left him and his ridiculous religious
cult. When I did so, he didn’t own to his faults. He didn’t ask for
forgiveness, oh no! He tried to deflect the guilt to someone else!!!
In his
craziness, he thought that he fulfilled his duties as a father.
Really?
Drugging
your son and abusing him for 15 years is duty?! And god is your witness, and
your excuse?! No mister, absolutely NOT.
I can tell
you, my readers, that if he came groveling on the floor and asked my
forgiveness, I wouldn’t grant it. He had far too many opportunities - during the 15 years of abuse and subsequent 12, till I cut all ties - and he NEVER even asked.
For someone whose intellectual prowess hasn’t helped to realize the harm he was doing, no matter how damaged he may have been himself, and all the harm and havoc he caused to far too many people has set him in that bad zone of evil people that I cannot forgive.
For someone whose intellectual prowess hasn’t helped to realize the harm he was doing, no matter how damaged he may have been himself, and all the harm and havoc he caused to far too many people has set him in that bad zone of evil people that I cannot forgive.
What I find
IS important to forgive is oneself, for any guilt and feelings that ‘’I caused
this to happen to me’’ – both in my case, or yours.
Many
victims try to find inner peace in their healing process and struggle with
those feelings of having caused their attacker, their abuser, to hurt them.
You may
have been drunk (or sober) and said something that upset them.
You may have been dressed scantily, or were naked.
You may have slapped them. It doesn’t matter: you didn’t cause someone to become so enraged that they had to hurt you in a horrible way, once or multiple times, in a totally over-reaction to whatever you may have said or done.
You may have been dressed scantily, or were naked.
You may have slapped them. It doesn’t matter: you didn’t cause someone to become so enraged that they had to hurt you in a horrible way, once or multiple times, in a totally over-reaction to whatever you may have said or done.
The fault
is on them: someone must have self-restraint and know what to say or do –
especially to back-off when they see that they are going to get angry, mad or
violent.
In my
opinion, thinking ‘’ maybe, just maybe I can forgive that person, so they’ll
stop hurting me’’ is erroneous. The goal of forgiving isn’t in pacifying them,
but to show your own compassion. But, that is your choice to grant, not the
person asking for it, and certainly not the church, the temple or any other
house of religion or spiritual retreat. They weren’t hurt by the words and acts
of YOUR attacker, or YOUR abuser. No one else but you can decide.
To go back
to the case of guilt: for a while, I had those feelings, too. I thought that my
step-mother was right: that I was stupid, and had caused tensions in their
couple. Hell, I can admit that my presence there had caused her some
ill-feelings. She didn't want me there. BUT, I can tell you that it isn’t me
who caused her to be my other abuser during those year : both she and my father
had choices in front of them : to make due with a situation, and they both chose
badly.
They are
the ones who did the abuse, the humiliation, and put me to servitude.
I’ll say
clearly here, though: she NEVER hit me. She wasn’t affectionate toward me, and
often quite mean. She participated to give me unrealistic tasks on a young age,
and I was thus like Cinderella (except that I didn’t have a charming prince/ss,
nor shiny shoes etc etc, I had the chores).
My father was the one who hurt me the most.
I choose to
partially forgive my step-mother, because she was thrust into an abusive relationship
with my father. She made some choices and remained with him – but I know how
hard it was for her on many levels.
I choose not
to forgive my father. It’s my right, and I’m exerting it to the fullest.
He hurt me,
more than once. He never even asked for forgiveness. The sole time I told him
he had hurt me; he tried to put ALL the blame on my step-mother, other people,
and the entire world.
He said he
did his fatherly duty, and used his position as the messiah to justify himself
for being totally white and unblemished.
That is
what I call absolute evil. He didn’t harm me the same way as some people hurt
one another, in worse acts of violence and depravity. But, this life, these
traumas he inflicted, never were contests of evilness.
There are
degrees of evil acts, and he’s somewhere in there.
If you
chose not to forgive your attacker, and want to heal, you can. Don’t listen to
someone who says ‘’you must – XYZ said so in the holy books, or in the law’’.
Be the
judge of your own decision, after pondering in your mind, and feeling it with
your heart, and chose whichever is best for you.
And this is
where I join the article by a therapist who also talks about the topic of
forgiveness, and how she deals with this issue in therapy.
The bottom line is that I really hope that people understand that forgiving is a choice, and not mandatory for any reason.
It's not necessarily strength to grant it, nor is it automatically weakness to be ''unable'' or unwilling to grant it - I think there are no real right or wrong in this topic, and it's always, ALWAYS a choice and subjective to the person.
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