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I'd like to discuss a little more about PTSD : post-traumatique stress disorder.
If you've seen the hobbit/lord of the rings, I suggest this video about trauma & addiction, from the channel I just mentioned in my previous entry : Crash Course. That is a very informative video but unfortunately spoils a tiny bit said books/ movies, so you've been warned. (well, to some this isn't a spoiler at all, so I'll let you judge)
I do have to mention right here that this post ended much longer that I'd first realized. I'm not proficient at summarizing and don't intend to shorten this, in view of the topic.
I would appreciate if you do read it, in spite of its length - thank you.
Now, I already mentioned some of my PTSD, but haven't gotten into its depths. As I've had some flashbacks lately and it still is mental health awareness month, I thought to bring that topic back and discuss both my case, and then use that video as a guideline to explain a couple things.
As I said before, my father had kidnapped me from my mother when I was a child, and raised me in a different country with very strict rules and strong psychological and physical abuse.
In a little more detail, those strict rules resulted from his own warped mind as a self-proclaimed world savior in all religions.
I had to abide and never question him, or else : doubting the savior would jeopardize my soul and I'd risk damnation and missing the great opportunity of being chosen to follow him back to god...
His punishments were severe and brutal : physical beating with his bare hands, or a belt, followed by being locked away in the toilet for periods which lasted from 15 minutes to several hours, and finally being sent to bed and deprived of my meals, and only after I'd asked for his magnanimous forgiveness and showed that I meant it, or else the cycle would repeat.
I'm pretty much sure that these repetitive sojourns in the tiny water-closets are at the root of several of my mental illnesses : claustrophobia, and coprophobia, as well as the obvious trauma. I really hate the bodily functions as a result and I often get strong to severe nausea since there is no way around daily visits to this dungeon... from which I have to often run out and breathe some fresh air at the window, even when it's storming or freezing, because otherwise I risk being actually sick and vomit, and that's an absolute no-no because to make things really complicated : I suffer from emetophobia (yes, the phobia of vomiting).
These are so strong that I cannot watch movies or shows which revolve around the WC and toilet jokes... it is THAT severe and can be triggered in a split second (even typing this is difficult).
Other rules forbade me any kind of interest in the ''external world'', that is, the one outside of his religious upbringing, a very complicated and sick conglomerate of religions. The goal was off course to isolate me and avoid that I'd get rebellious ideas... and that totally failed, luckily for me I was curious by nature and I had one good friend in spite of all this. A friend who helped cultivate my curiosity, introducing me to various musical trends and intellectual pursuits.
However, this isolation did work rather well and I developed something which would take over 3 decades to be diagnosed, but from which I suffered all these years : social phobia, a topic I leave to my other posts about it (past and future). However, I can already tell you that social phobia for a person who really needs friends and social interactions, even more than the average bloke, this is a really strong blow and hurts to no end and this is why I started working on my overall mental health and concentrate on this one particular aspect because many other phobias don't have the same impact on my life as that one.
The isolation and death threats if I'd ever talk to girls resulted in strong inhibitions and delayed my emotional maturity to be able to find someone to share my life with and these inhibitions cause me daily difficulties to this day, and that is nothing in comparison to the flashbacks I get as part of my PTSD and which sometimes push me into a defensive shell and I can totally shut down and become uncommunicative, which brings me at this point to the video I mentioned and to which I now link so you can watch (the small spoiler is between 1:40 and 1:50).
I learned with it that there are actually 5 levels of severity in PTSD, not just plain ''PTSD'', I have ''complexe PTSD'' because my traumas lasted over many years, with daily abuse.
Now, what is PTSD anyways ? let me copy the definition given in the video ''a psychological disorder generated either by witnessing or experiencing a traumatic event''.
Just after that, the presenter talks about the 4 clusters :
* re-living the event, through intrusive memories, nightmares or flashbacks. I've talked about that, too, already : I have had many nightmares and flashbacks, and until a few years ago also intrusive memories, until my memory started to fail (a bit of a blessing, but I also forget important non traumatic things and that's a problem).
** Avoiding situations I avoid the event with, now that's something I couldn't avoid for many years, because I had contacts, until I moved elsewhere and severed all ties with my abuser. Before that, each time I'd talk with him, I'd be disturbed for many weeks with those intrusive memories and flashbacks, and I was very dysfunctional. Once I stopped answering calls and attempts at messages, and totally and utterly cut ties, I started to improve as I was avoiding the cause of these issues, at least partially... but, since the traumas are part of me and often on the forefront of my thoughts, I have to shove them away so I can go on with my days.
*** Excessive physiological arousal : heart pounding, muscle tensions, anxiety or irritability. Problems sleeping or concentrating. I am very happy to say that my heart tends to be ok, but I do exhibit all the other symptoms at varying degrees.
**** Pervasive negative changes in emotions and beliefs, such as excessive feelings of guilt, fear or shame, or no longer getting enjoyment out of what i used to. Now, that is something I'll talk about in another post, because it gives me some food for thought and I need to think it over.
And finally, I wanted to discuss this point 3:10 into the video :
PTSD patients may also experience NUMBING, or periods of feeling emotionless or emotionally ''flat'', and dissociation, feeling that situations aren't real or surreal, or that time has slowed down or sped up. I believe this explains quite a bit the changes I experience at moments, and add to the complexity of defining what is my cyclothymia, and what results from PTSD. In both cases, there are times when I feel very flat, drained emotionally and I find it extremely difficult to simply feel again, and that comes from a very empathic person that I am. I tend to feel too much, but the PTSD also brings those moments or short periods in which I am so drained that I cannot feel anything and yet, it's not necessarily that depressive episode in my cyclothymia.
I cannot really explain that better in words, but I think I can tell the difference in the emotional status when I experience it.
Many parents make mistakes, as there are no real guidelines to follow, but that kind of abuse should be prevented at the root, because it creates too much psychological and emotional damage, and I haven't even mentioned some of the physical impediments yet.
Now, all I have to do is to continue what I started a couple decades ago : rebuilding my life from all these traumas and broken pieces, and find more tools towards healing. I don't think that I have it within me to become a writer like Tolkien did and that, I guess, is fine. Each person is different and there are enough ways to work on one's healing process.
I have embarked in a very rocky boat, over my ocean of mental illnesses. Maybe one day I'll come ashore, settle, and call that island my new home. Until, then, I hope to get some peace of mind, and wish you all the best if you've also suffered any trauma or abuse.
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