74- Special edition 2 : Mental health awareness month (21) - Phobias II

One of the hardest posts I can talk about (possibly harder than PTSD ones, actually), relates to 3 of my worse phobias, and they are intertwined, and I'll first copy from post 8

• Coprophobia is a paralyzing phobia: fear of excrement. Now, with a healthy diet, I  go normally the toilet every day and obviously, I am confronted with it daily and repeatedly, sometimes  very nauseated, and I do not understand why France has toilets  with no windows! Indeed, the only thing that helps me in these moments, is the fresh air, even very cold in winter. I have to run to the window to breathe before and / or after cleaning up after me, which never helps my day ..
• I know of no term for the phobia that causes me severe nausea when I sort laundry or going to throw the trash, or again, remove sticky stuff, dirty, or remove wet hair from the bathtub ... odor phobia  ? I do not think, as my sense of smell is not highly developed ... but then what? > Emily Rose suggests this might be part of my emetophobia, and I tend to agree as I was wondering about this as well. Thank you for your input! 
• Emetophobia, fear of vomiting, which is very strong to the point of never looking  at scenes (movie / shows) that describe it ... the word makes me sick and gives me intense nausea. I absolutely have to avoid thinking about it even...

After exchanging with Emily Rose, a vlogger I follow, and who also suffers from emeteophobia, I decided that it was time to discuss it - although it takes time to type all that. 

Indeed, I want stop the stigma and to lift the veil to some of my actions which can puzzle everyone, and which have generally made me refuse many invitations.

When friends invite me, or, more often, accept my invitations and visit us for a meal, I'll often disappear for long moments, and it can be embarrassing because I cannot avoid going to the toilet for bodily functions which really make me refuse to believe that there is a god who created us because that's a stupid design... why don't we just assimilate everything and not need to expel toxins in this fashion?! But, that's a whole other topic which I may or may not discuss... 

For the moment, I'll concentrate on the subject at hand: 
When I go to to the toilet, I am faced with severe emetophobia when I have to clean up after myself, due to that coprophobia... it's really an annoying mix to suffer from, because one feeds the other in an endless loop and all I can do is run back and forth to the window (after washing my hands) to breath fresh air and avoid throwing up from the creeping nausea... 

I usually have to do this cyclic wash hands-breath at the window-attempt to clean a good 4 to 6 times, and it has created a bit of an obsession over washing my hands (which was already kinda present, instilled in me from early childhood, i'll get back to that elsewhere). 

Also, I use more toilet paper sheets than others, because of the fear of having anything on my hands, it is THAT bad... 

What can surprise here is that what is so simple to everyone is so tough for me. That coprophobia stupidity really ruins a good part of my day, almost every day of my life, since my youth.

I think it's related to PTSD of having been locked in the loo so often, but I don't really understand why it's so strong and embedded itself so tightly with my emetophobia, and that other one that I couldn't find a name for (see above) : what is it that makes me so easily queasy, sometimes by the mere mention of the word nausea itself ? 

What causes me to get that nausea when I wash dishes with a closed kitchen window in spite of trying to occupy my mind by listening to music and singing along? 

What is it that makes me reel at the thought of the absolute necessity to throw away the trash ? (I do it, don't get me wrong, but I also get that nausea in that damn stinky trash room in our building and have to breath, again, before I can back home).

A few years ago, I had tried to find a new carrer path and thought of children protection as a possible catharsis to my PTSD. I was sent to investigate at a local shelter for women and children hiding from abusive spouses/fathers, and when I arrived at the bottom of the building, I was mortified at the sight of urine on all over, and that as well as hearing people fighting somewhere inside that shelter which put me in severe PTSD shock (over their fighting= the one's my father and the woman I thought was my mother), I ran away, not looking where I was going... 

I just HAD to run.... it was raining, I got lost and found myself in an unknown part of the city, all that because of PTSD and emetophobia caused by that urine...

I decided to break the silence over this topic. Emily Rose mentioned that many people suffer from it, and yet she had never met another one before me. On my end, in 6 months I've heard only her and 3 other vloggers talk about it. 

I haven' researched more about it, but I did decide that at some point I'll have to raise this particular issues with my normal therapist as in nearly 2 decades I never even mentioned any of it and I'm tired of suffering like this... 

Hopefully, working on my PTSD will also help find the roots of these and alleviate... 

Yes, that was so hard to type, it took me over an hour to get it done... i'll just post it and might end up making a second part... or maybe not... 

Thanks for reading, it was longer than I thought.