67- Special edition 2 : Mental health awareness month (14) - PTSD 4

Following the PTSD research, I found another video with Dr Frank Ochberg, explaining complex PTSD that I mentioned in my third related entry. 


I suffer from this form due to two reasons, not the only one I listed : the trauma lasted for many years, with daily abuse, but also because of the fact that it all started during my formative years. 

Like the Dr says, I did lack love and understanding from a mother ; my father had remarried, and never spoke of my ''real mother'', and probably wouldn't have if fate hadn't decided otherwise. (I'm not going to detail this, not now).

Life, or rather, surviving, with my father and the woman I believed was my mother was one full of physical and psychological abuse, as well as of constant negative criticism. 
During the entire period, I was never told that I was loved, nor was I shown any sign of affection. 

Quite on the contrary, I was subjected to daily tasks I came to view as ''Cinderella'' chores : cleaning, washing dishes, and when I was old enough, I was sent to shop the food of the entire family - often coming back charged with 6 full shopping baskets. 

At first, these chores were accompanied by very small rewards, which were taken away one by one periodically, until I ended up being a mere slave with no reward whatsoever.

No matter what I did, from these tasks or others - I was systematically put down,  belittled and verbally abused on a daily basis. 

All this, plus the rest of the traumas (some of which I mentioned in the previous entries on this topic) corroded and destroyed  my self-confidence because I felt that I was worthless just like all those venomous critics I received.

Being betrayed by people who are supposed to be there to guide you in your life, protect and teach you how to cope with events, ends in severe trust issues - just like briefly talked about in the video. 

Not trusting others, and fearing betrayal, added to isolation and depression, results in a salad known as social phobia. How can you trust your friends when you don't trust your judgement that they will be trustworthy since no one ever taught you how to discern the differences in people you meet? 

This is indeed at the core of my difficulties in creating and maintaining friendships and it has been a huge battle against myself to take risks in accepting people into my life. 

I learned, through the years, to develop my own skills and have had friends come and go - probably a bit more than the average, because I either couldn't maintain properly the friendship or the person grew tired of my mental illnesses.

It's only in the past few years that I managed to have healthier relationships, especially after meeting a few key people in my life and that included my best friend that is my wife.

Her support and advice in my friendships have guided me and pushed me out of some comfort zones so I could meet new people.

Healing is possible, and in the case of complexe PTSD, one must be extra patient as it won't just go away by itself. 

Learning self-love in spite of abuse, in spite of lack of self-confidence is part of this process.

Hope and patience combined with the will to heal are primordial. Remember that not everyone is rotten and will leave you to your own misery. There are some good people you'll meet and they'll understand and empathize and stick with you for many years to come.

Let it happen, because it's all worth it, and you are worth it!