12- Social phobia and friendships

Having social phobia is blocking and delayed my emotional development, together with the delays caused by my traumatic sequelae and my youth.
Indeed, I led a segregated life, with no real friendships for years (childhood, adolescence, and early in my adult life).


I stayed away from the majority of classmates, preferring to escape in reading or bird watching: I followed - with Binoculars- migratory birds, raptors, storks. I had fun counting and announce the result to a bird watching and protection agency. 

Among my camardes I had a best friend, but I couldn't confide in him completely. 
Forbidden to bond and create friendships by my parental figure of the moment, I became closed up, diving within myself. I set myself a shell like a turtle, for me to hide and seek refuge from the outside, scary world full of scary people. 


All this contributed to my anxiety and social phobias, but also greatly depressed me. I already felt different from other children, for the oppressed lifestyle I led and my convictions (vegetarian philosophy) and radically different pastime of those of my comrades.
Moreover, these factors have also contributed to the recurrence of depressive episodes I suffered and still suffer in varying intensities, more or less continuously, more or less chronically. But I also knew the risks of psych drugs, side effects and addictive potential, so I have always and consistently refused them. 
I prefer to treat myself with medicinal plants, a subject that has been fascinating to me for 3 decades ; I periodically meditate and hold the depression effect under control - even if it is sometimes limited and hampered by my cyclothymia.

For fifteen years, I limited myself mainly to online friendships; the contact being generally written by email or chat service, I never confronted my  growing anxiety. I avoided social situations. 

But in the past two or three years, I met more and more people with whom I share a lot in common, and exposing myself now more regularly in meetings and social events, and this has  revealed openly the extent of my anxiety and social phobias.

I often and almost always have difficulty accepting invitations, whether to visit or receive, as well as going to places together: in public parks, cafes / bars, or going to the movies: every time I'm on the verge of a panic attack or actually experience one. 

After calming down, it takes me many days swinging between calm and panic, even during the organization that has to be meticulously done and restrict the number of exposures to these stimuli so conducive in creating such crises for me.

I am grateful to my friends who understood my difficulties and my suffering, and are patient with me. Without that, I could not move, and indeed, for a time I felt inexorably falling to the inability to get out: I was becoming a recluse.

That's why I threw myself into CBT, which I stopped as I explained elsewhere in this blog, and while I wait for the next one to start, I took it upon myself to expose myself regularly and make my own therapy using vlogs on youTube, two books I have ordered and received, this blog, and especially my friends: thank you, especially to my wife, my best friend!