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Attending parties/whilst suffering from social phobia...
Is never easy. This requires a lot of efforts which I preferred to avoid for many years, afraid to deal with anxiety attacks and panic, especially with strangers.
18 months ago I'd declined an invitation to celebrate a friend's 50th birthday, and after that I felt bad because this friend and his sister had rendered us many services and they are people that I appreciate. Tired of my attacks, I decided to talk to my therapist and ask for closer meetings, and this has led to my chaotic CBT journey now pending.
Another friend si going to celebrate his birthday in a few days and I am very anxious to approach the fateful date, especially as I saw the guest list includes more than 10 people I have never met and very few I already know - including my wife, the friend and two or three others.
I now look for tricks to successfully go to this party, while fearing a series of panic attacks, not knowing what to talk about and with whom, apart for those 3 or 4 people that I know, or might even have to limit my interactions to my wife.
Leaving the party will not be easy because the party is held in a different city, albeit not very far, but without vehicles and without night trains, I'll depend on a very difficult organization to organize a ride with one of the hosts, and since I don't wish disturb the friend who celebrates his birthday - to take us home.
Staying all night may be very complicated, and sleep there isn't planed since I already tried it with these friends last month and I slept badly.
For now, therefore, I'd have to leave and come bvack home, and I stress widely in the organization.
So why stress out so much? What thoughts cross my mind when I want to go to a party?
I think that i I could not talk, speak properly, I'd appear stupid or rude because I do not know necessarily all social etiquette...
I've had occasions when I was alone in a corner and no one spoke a word to me for a whole evening ...
I usually dare not intervene in discussions, even when I have ideas to share on the topics discussed. I grew up in an environment where I had no right to speak nor hold an opinion. I had to keep quiet, listen and adhere to all the ideas that were spelt out to me as absolute truths ...
Speaking was severely punished, especially if I dared asking a question going against the '' lessons'' forced into my psyche .
So I learned to shut up, by survival instinct, because my life was in danger during those years and since, it has become almost impossible to break away from this youth programming and is one of the reasons I'm in this state now, in adulthood.
These repeated trauma for more than a decade caused severe emotional scars and psychosocial difficulties to get rid of forced automation.
These formative years were also accompanied by words and deeds in the sole gole of repressing and destroying my confidence, instead of helping me to develop.
As an adult, it is very complicated to build this trust by myself despite some positive life experiences: I worked, formed friendships, married to a very patient and loving wife. I could also develop some skills and get rid of part of my painful past, but this is not enough because I have not managed to forge by myself without depending on opinions around me and it's a source of social phobia: the need for others' approval, affection, and belonging that every person has is multiplied tenfold in a person like me.
I also know, especially after listening to testimonials on youtube, that my fears are illogical and not completely based on reality, as I have also had good social times. But, phobias, by nature, are not '' logical ''. They are just '' explained '' and are present all the time - wether i'm doing well or very badly.
They are triggered very easily and rott me joy and experience that could be positive because they block me in cycles of fear-adrenaline-fear, endless and automated; reactions that date back to the genetic development of the human race, since prehistoric times where the unknown meant danger. In social phobias, this fear of fight of flight is out of syn with reality.
The problem is an over-reaction to social stimuli, automated and hardly controllable by the social phobic that I am.
Knowing all this intellectually is not enough, because the difficulty lies in the emotional and instinctive reaction: what if these unknown people wanted to harm me?
To get rid of these phobias, I relied on a CBT shrink . From now and until further notice, I have to rely on myself, and patience of those around me.
The patience with a guy in his 40's and who can not fit well in social situations to which he had been invited and causing him so much pain, panic attacks and repeated avoidance ...
Update of 25/02: I'm not ready to face such a party where I do not know the majority of the crowd; I decided to avoid forcing myself and risk a catastrophic experience, I must find tools to move forward on these issues before I can attend such paties.
18 months ago I'd declined an invitation to celebrate a friend's 50th birthday, and after that I felt bad because this friend and his sister had rendered us many services and they are people that I appreciate. Tired of my attacks, I decided to talk to my therapist and ask for closer meetings, and this has led to my chaotic CBT journey now pending.
Another friend si going to celebrate his birthday in a few days and I am very anxious to approach the fateful date, especially as I saw the guest list includes more than 10 people I have never met and very few I already know - including my wife, the friend and two or three others.
I now look for tricks to successfully go to this party, while fearing a series of panic attacks, not knowing what to talk about and with whom, apart for those 3 or 4 people that I know, or might even have to limit my interactions to my wife.
Leaving the party will not be easy because the party is held in a different city, albeit not very far, but without vehicles and without night trains, I'll depend on a very difficult organization to organize a ride with one of the hosts, and since I don't wish disturb the friend who celebrates his birthday - to take us home.
Staying all night may be very complicated, and sleep there isn't planed since I already tried it with these friends last month and I slept badly.
For now, therefore, I'd have to leave and come bvack home, and I stress widely in the organization.
So why stress out so much? What thoughts cross my mind when I want to go to a party?
I think that i I could not talk, speak properly, I'd appear stupid or rude because I do not know necessarily all social etiquette...
I've had occasions when I was alone in a corner and no one spoke a word to me for a whole evening ...
I usually dare not intervene in discussions, even when I have ideas to share on the topics discussed. I grew up in an environment where I had no right to speak nor hold an opinion. I had to keep quiet, listen and adhere to all the ideas that were spelt out to me as absolute truths ...
Speaking was severely punished, especially if I dared asking a question going against the '' lessons'' forced into my psyche .
So I learned to shut up, by survival instinct, because my life was in danger during those years and since, it has become almost impossible to break away from this youth programming and is one of the reasons I'm in this state now, in adulthood.
These repeated trauma for more than a decade caused severe emotional scars and psychosocial difficulties to get rid of forced automation.
These formative years were also accompanied by words and deeds in the sole gole of repressing and destroying my confidence, instead of helping me to develop.
As an adult, it is very complicated to build this trust by myself despite some positive life experiences: I worked, formed friendships, married to a very patient and loving wife. I could also develop some skills and get rid of part of my painful past, but this is not enough because I have not managed to forge by myself without depending on opinions around me and it's a source of social phobia: the need for others' approval, affection, and belonging that every person has is multiplied tenfold in a person like me.
I also know, especially after listening to testimonials on youtube, that my fears are illogical and not completely based on reality, as I have also had good social times. But, phobias, by nature, are not '' logical ''. They are just '' explained '' and are present all the time - wether i'm doing well or very badly.
They are triggered very easily and rott me joy and experience that could be positive because they block me in cycles of fear-adrenaline-fear, endless and automated; reactions that date back to the genetic development of the human race, since prehistoric times where the unknown meant danger. In social phobias, this fear of fight of flight is out of syn with reality.
The problem is an over-reaction to social stimuli, automated and hardly controllable by the social phobic that I am.
Knowing all this intellectually is not enough, because the difficulty lies in the emotional and instinctive reaction: what if these unknown people wanted to harm me?
To get rid of these phobias, I relied on a CBT shrink . From now and until further notice, I have to rely on myself, and patience of those around me.
The patience with a guy in his 40's and who can not fit well in social situations to which he had been invited and causing him so much pain, panic attacks and repeated avoidance ...
Update of 25/02: I'm not ready to face such a party where I do not know the majority of the crowd; I decided to avoid forcing myself and risk a catastrophic experience, I must find tools to move forward on these issues before I can attend such paties.
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