11- Trauma & consequences

Trigger warning : trauma, abuse.

Besides a number of phobias and cyclothymia, I also suffer from post-traumatic state, following numerous youth trauma. Moreover, a part of them are the origin of development phobias, whether social or others.

My parental figure subtracted me from the rest of the family, and during those years had forbidden me: reading, listening or playing music, watching tv, playing games of all kinds, talking to other children and form friendships. Also talk to girls was forbidden, for other reasons.
Any act considered contrary to the rules was severely punished with beatings, confinement in cramped toilet, or being sent to bed without food.



Depersonalizing &  demoralizing words, removing my rights to any opinion, were all abusive and endlessly repeated. Everything was done to robotise and make me incapable of any achievement in life, blocking me, traumatizing me every possible moment.
During school holidays, I was visiting other family members when I braved the forbidden and could watch tv and listen to music.

I used to read in secret, studying all that I could. I was learning about the outside world. The outside of my prison-like life. 

Since then, I managed to repair part of my life: I returned to the cradle, have developed some friendships, got married. I watch tv, listen to music when I want. Same for games. 
But all this has a price: the post traumatic state, which lirks every moment. I'm always on my guard because I happened hundreds of times to have  flashback. During these moments, I re-live the traumatic experience, with more or less intensity, regularity and with all the emotions that were present at the initial traumatic event: anxiety, terror, horror. During these times, I often enter into a state of shock, blocking any conscious action because the psyche is busy elsewhere: stuck in the memory that becomes totally and irrevocably real.

All this has happened to me many times, with or without cause / apparent stimuli. I remember, for example, one time when I was stuck in such a loop while I was crossing the street to go to a store, and in one second I suddenly realized that a car was arriving fast and I was walking when the pedestrian light was red... Immediately, I stepped back to regain the sidewalk and motioned to the driver an apology. 

I have since found a solution: I listen to music by going to such events because it helps me refocus and be totally aware and so, my psyche has not had the flashback in these conditions- there (but still do in other circumstances, especially at home).

As you can imagine, these post traumatic syndromes & repetition are hardly manageable and nor pleasant to live. They are often waiting in a small corner, waiting to pounce and block me. To limit I listen music, and I absolutely have to be 100% aware and ready to recognize them, under pain of entering a repeat loop and and caught in it.

Regular meditation helps me to limit the number of flashbacks ; as well as staying active and alert limits their impact. I have, for now, been unable to eradicate them completely. I even fear that this is impossible.