154 - Art : from art, to art therapy (5) - 2016 (2)

After a few months with very little art making, I resumed by helping my wife with decorations for Halloween (I still haven't been able to locate the photos), and then, Christmas cards for two friends. 

They are therapy only in the sense that I use them not only to entertain my friendships, but, also, to practice my skills and improve.

153- CBT2016 - 13/13

Back from the 13th and last CBT session of 2016, also marking 7 months of therapy with my second CBT therapist, and much work have been achieved thus far. 

Indeed, this second CBT started 30/05/2016 and after the first preliminary session, geared towards getting to meet one another and setting the plan to follow, my therapist had sent me to do various exposures to report on the subsequent meeting. 

152- On why was my atheist coming-out important to me

I have recently come out as an atheist and now I'm going to tell you a few of the reasons why I think it was important to me. 

As I mentioned in that post and several others, I was raised in a religious cult, in a country where religion is very much part of daily life and politics. 

151- Interwoven phobias that complicate my life

I talked vaguely about three of my worst phobias, which complicate my life. I will tell you more about this in order to give an idea of ​​the difficulties I have encountered every day since I was a child.

I must here set a trigger alert to all those who suffer from the same phobias. I share so you can understand me better, not to hurt anyone.

These three phobias are imbricated all together, in the following scheme:

Hemophobia: fear of being in contact and seeing blood; Very close to it, I also have the sub-category of blood-injection-injury phobia, whose title is rather evocative.
Coprophobia : Fear of excrement. And yes, the natural need of practically all animals, including humans, causes me a lot of difficulties.
Each of these phobias being very strong, they cause me great anxieties, nausea, and support another equally serious one: emetophobia, the phobia of vomiting.


My other posts about these phobias are : 
Hemophobia
Coprophobia
emetophobia

150- CBT2016- 11 & 12

I came back from my 12th CBT session and now it's time for me to summarize it - after I discuss briefly the previous one from 9th of November. 

That one was preceded by 3 weeks during which I had great difficulties and had lost motivation as I was feeling under the great pressure of my mental health - as I detailed in post 145.

149- Dysmorphia, self-image and gender WIP (2)

grab a cuppa, you'll get 1,364 words to read hereafter!

As a continuation to several previous entries about non-binary gender, and self esteem issues that I suffer from to this day, I want to discuss aspects I only began in post 148 and found my entry growing far too long, and which concerns mostly my dysmorphia (hair and vocal)  I now pursue my train of thought into a second part. 

148- Dysmorphia, self-image and gender WIP (1)

As a continuation to several previous entries about non-binary gender, and self esteem issues that I suffer from to this day, I want to discuss aspects I previously didn't even mention.

The first of these is Dysmorphia, which is an obsessive preoccupation that one or several aspects of one's own appearance is or are flawed and would require  measures to fix or hide.  

Content trigger warning including mention of DV 

147- The Vegan tag

November is International vegan month. I follow my wife's example and participate in the vegan tag - in blog form.

146- Coming out ...

I have delayed this post for quite a while, but I think it's high time to tell you something very important : I'm coming out... as an atheist.

There, I said the unfathomable A-word. This dirty word that seems to shock far too many people, as if it was synonymous with being a sinner and evil person when it has actually to do with the contrary.

145- Mental health weight

Sometimes, my mental health just weighs so much on my shoulders, it feels as heavy as a 16T brick - like in the famous Monty Python sketch.  I wish I had more vacation from my numerous phobias and post-traumatic shenanigans. 

I've been feeling the over-presence of my mental illnesses so acutely, it became once more quite depressing. It's just not a good feeling to experience so much weight and fatigue from these issues - these social anxieties and numerous other phobias, especially copro, emeto, and blood phobias which make my daily living a series of difficulties and limit my activities, governs my choices in entertainment. 

144- CBT2016- 9 & 10

As you may recall from my regular posts about my current CBT, my therapist sends me with new exposure tasks from session to session, as well as having to continue all my previous exposures ; for the sake of space-saving and repetition-avoiding, I shan't necessarily log for each session and it starts  with this entry, corresponding to 2 CBT sessions - my 9th & 10th (dated 4 & 21 October). 

143- Trichotillomania (2) : hair loss and anxiety colluding

I've discussed a bit my previous trichotillomania issues, and am sad to report that this past week, I have been once more in its grip as massive stress and anxiety overtook me, and my hands. 

Indeed, after 4 and half months, I finally got a hold of a painting company who was supposed to come fix our damaged walls (from water and mold-type issues from last winter, which had claimed the life of our poor 7 year old subwoofer) ; I had been calling them as well as our housing landlord people, and each time their secretaries would promise someone would call me back and never followed. 

142- Today's psychotherapy

Today I had my regular, non-cbt therapy session - I'll specify here that my normal therapist didn't study for CBT which, in France at least, is a specialty. When I asked to see him more often than every 3 months, so I could work on my social anxieties, he had sent me to a colleague to concentrate on that part, and thus we can continue working on my other traumas - though, evidently, from session to session there is a portion that is a mix of updating him about my past 3 months, and that includes talking a bit about my CBT and personal research I've done in the psych subjects because I've been hands-on in my attempts to progress towards healing.

141- CBT2016-8

Back from a long afternoon, quite tired as I had my 8th CBT session, and food shopping both at the organic store and the supermarket (after a break between each).

Last session, my therapist had asked if my wife could come discuss the various pieces of advice and support my wife gives me, becoming a co-therapist in the process. 

Today, we went ; I was a bit anxious, once more, as I felt I hadn't done enough of my exposures, and yet again my therapist pointed out after I read my notes that I did more than I gave myself credit for. 

140- Book- Je dépasse mes peurs et mes angoisses

Book- Je dépasse mes peurs et mes angoisses 
(which means ''I surpass my fears and anxieties'') 

Authors : Christophe André (psychiatrist) &Muzo (illustrator) 
Note : 7/10
Year: 2002
Publisher: Seuil
257 pages 
ISBN 978-2-7578-1746-9

This is a book in French as you could read above. The author is a therapist and after meeting a childhood friend, they embarked on this joint project. His friend Muzo illustrates the various explanations and case studies presented by Mr André, often with great humour. Sometimes, however, they verge on misogyny and specism, which reduces my overall appreciation.

139- Feminism (3) - Links Hub

I am starting an on-going link hub to feminist videos, articles, and books, in a series of links - though I can never be exhaustive about such a subject, evidently. 

First, the potty mouthed princesses drop the F word for this cause - brace yourselves for these amazing girls (and adults) 

Potty-Mouthed PrincessesDrop F-Bombs for Feminism by FCKH8.com

Potty-Mouth Princesses Part2: Girls F-Bomb Domestic Violence by FCKH8.com

Foundations by country, list on wikipedia

138- Star Trek

You may find it odd that I post this, but it actually has a purpose. The fact that today 50 years ago, the first Star Trek episode has no direct bearing on my mental health. Yet, star trek has been an important part of my life, ever since I first discovered it, about 30 years ago.

137 - Electrified nerve endings...

(note, these feet aren't mine, I didn't want to shock anyone with a photo of my stitches from last year)

In July 2015, I had undergone a small surgical operation. The dermatologist thought it was best to operate on a slightly suspicious moll at the bottom of my foot which had changed color and grew a bit and had been hurting me periodically, like stinging needles. 

136-CBT 2016-7

This morning, I was a bit anxious about this 7th session, because I hadn't really fulfilled the tasks I was set to on mast last CBT. 

Indeed, I had a few exposure tasks, but didn't do them daily as I was supposed to.
I tried a few of them, but outside factors delayed me. 

Indeed, I was supposed to invite more new friends (people that I know less) and have tried to do that, but because it was August, I didn't manage to actually receive and entertain these friends. Instead, I did manage to invite closer friends - 1 for a meal and a movie, another for 2 movies and a meal, and went with him to the theater the next day, as well as on a road trip a few days later. 

I was supposed to go to the public gardens more often, and in 3 weeks have gone only to one, once. I really need to do that more often.

135- Suicide Awareness (1) : why is it important to raise it ?

September is national (US) suicide prevention awareness month - a mouthful title for another very important in mental health. 

On the 10th, the entire world will join this action. 

I believe that the stigma of this topic is made even more strongly than general mental health, because it relates to death - and more precisely to a person who takes away their own life, which is contrary to our innate self preservation instinct. 

Yet, over a MILLION people commit suicide every year, worldwide. 
One person commits suicide every 40 seconds. Every 40 seconds. 

How is that possible ? How is it that so many feel they have no hope, no possible improvement in their life conditions that they not only think about taking their own lives, but actually do it?

134 - 30 days gratitude challenge

It's been over 2 months since my last challenges. Indeed, I'd created one in the occasion of this blog's 100th post, that might have been too big for people to participate in (and which I can understand) and before that, I'd followed Cortnee Deyarmin's 7 day posichallenge. 

So, I'm now joining in with Brenda, my friend from twitter who shared Mindfulness Welness' challenge:  30 days of #Gratitude, starting September 1st, as follows : 

133- Feminism (3) - how I became a feminist

***trigger warning*** domestic violence, abuse

After my two previous posts about feminism (99 & 132) I thought to discuss now how I became a feminist, a few years before I even knew the term... 

It all started with my various traumas, evidently... but, more precisely, the examples that my misogynist father gave me through his violence towards my mothers. 
The first mother, my birth mother, was badly abused by him. Although I repressed all memories pertaining to those few years, I am more than certain that it impacted my psyche and emotional predispositions... 

132- Feminism (2)

It's a been a while since I started talking about one of my biggest passions in life : feminism. 
Misogyny's one of humanity's biggest issues, and from it, I believe, many others arise. 

In fact, in my opinion feminism should be fought with another important term : humanism. We need to find our humanity and become equal in rights - not just in theory and on paper, but in acts and facts. 

131- ''Worthless to accomplished''

I have been reading Brian F. Martin's InVincible, a book about surviving domestic violence, un-learning all the lies that we had learned during our youth, and learning new truths to set us free-er from all limitations we have set for ourselves as we grew up with the lies. 
It's chapter 8 gives the title to this blog entry, hence the quotes. 

I haven't discussed much my low self-esteem issues which is quite odd, because it's one of the worst long-lasting effects of my upbringing in my father's religious cult and having been constantly put down and berated by him, as well as my my step-mother. 

130- PTSD 10- Drugs and long term effects

I have to admit that I hadn't planned on telling you this part of my life ; but, in all honesty, it has been on my mind lately. So, my ***trigger warning*** is probably more valid than ever as I'm about to detail horrendous, criminal acts my father forced on me throughout my youth and adolescence. 

129- Depression (4) : Suicidal ideation

Continued from 20, 60, and directly from 128 & 127

***Again, I'll remind that any of these can trigger ptsd. ***

As I experienced multiple depressive episodes in my youth, and especially in my teen years, with growing gloom and despair, I lost all hope. I saw no way of improving my survival under my father's religious dogmas and saw no end to my suffering. 

The last blows were political unrest with repeated attacks in public transports to the point of losing many hours each week, as I had to get off buses and be put to safety whilst the specialty squads would come inspect abandoned objects and stop any possible death toll by neutralizing these back packs... 

128 - Depression (3)

Continued from 127.

*** trigger alert***


I cannot tell precisely when I experienced my very first feeling of depression, but I can recall, however, that I felt like I'd died when my father had kidnapped me from my (birth-)mother  and uprooted me to a whole different country when I wasn't even 5 years old. 
To this day, I have to admit that I feel very strong emotions when I read anything remotely similar on the news, especially of children of about the same age kidnapped or abused by a parent, because it really traumatized me greatly. 

127- Depression (2)

I hadn't planned to take this long to discuss my depression when I posted the introduction to the topic back in March. 
But, since then, I have posted over 100 additional entries and totally forgot about posting a second part, and discuss more about my numerous experiences with this illness.

First, I need to point out that there are two basic ''types'' shall we say for depression - 

• as a mood : ''a state of low mood and aversion to activity'' - the shortest and most concise definition, that won't do it justice, so I'll let you read a fuller definition on wiki (since they use less jargon than the DSM, the official manual psychotherapists use) 
• and then,  Major Depressive disorder, dysthimia and other Mood Disorders, which are more precise in their definitions

Secondly, depression affects every person differently and anyone can experience it - especially in our modern society which puts so much emphasis on personal achievements, efficiency and speed in reaching our goals ; normalizing and setting high standards or totally wrong sets of ideals (about topics as varied as beauty, politics and so on). 
Those aren't the subject of this particular blog entry and are too big for me to address in full on my blog at all since they are massive social issues that are studied by experts... 

Thirdly, I didn't even know the term depression when I first experienced it. It's a term I learned much later in my life - after many depressive episodes. 

I'll remind you here that I am not a therapist, and not going to discuss at present the exact terminology to which kind of depression I was going through since I cannot back-diagnose myself, short of time travelling, right? 

126- Mental health Shout-outs shutdowns

 

Back in June 2016, I had started sharing shout-outs to various mental health bloggers I'd met in twitter MH community. Now, by June 2021, I have lost touch with most of the people I did the shout-out for. Some actually had stopped blogging, retreated from social media ; others used me and I don't feel leaving a shout-out for them on my own blog anymore, as I don't accept some of their actions towards me. 

125- I am more than the sum of my parts...

As the philosopher said, the Whole is more than the sum of its parts. Sadly, far too many people forgot that about me. People I thought were friends and who have ignored me for 2 years - ever since I lost my passion and even interest of astrology, for this current example. 

Indeed, it used to be a very important part of my life, and I spent hours every day talking about astrology and other esoteric, mystical subjects.

Then, something happened, something that I cannot even explain to myself, and I lost interest for these subjects. I don't even know if I'll ever get back to any of them. 

I stopped participating in a forum and a few groups on facebook, and wanted to discuss other topics with my ''astro-friends'' but they have ALL deserted me. 

124- Post traumatic growth

(note : I made the image above from a drawing my wife made). 

Today, I'm going to discuss Post-Traumatic Growth, a term I was reminded off some time ago as I researched trauma and post-traumatic stress disorder (in short, PTSD). 

This term, Post-Traumatic Growth, refers to positive psychological changes people who have suffered from trauma can experience and achieve after adverse, challenging traumatic experiences. (you can read more just about anywhere, here's for ex wiki's article)

Many people who have suffered managed to learn how to better cope, adapted to the stresses and found new ways to relate to the world as they positively changed their mindset and approach to their environment and trauma. 

This means that in the future, traumas can have much lesser impact ; it's possible to recover faster than before, and find positive outlets - such as self expression through art, writing, or becoming an activist - to name but a few ways. 

123- The blog is 6 months old!...

My wife had been nagging me to create a blog...for months on end I replied that I had nothing to talk about, that I didn't wish to do it - it was too much work to set up, and besides, no one would read me and I could never be regular about it... 

122- CBT 2016-6

In post 118 I detailed the trip to Paris, and my CBT assignments. I'll let you read than entry, and come back here for the second part of that. 

I had to reschedule this  sixth session with my therapist, because I couldn't talk while being sick. 

I finally went in today and had a positive return from my therapist after I showed her my notes and progress in most of my exposure tasks. 

I mentioned how I managed throughout this trip to tap into higher sources of anxiety than my initial tasks, which were up to level 40/100. 

121- Growing up with domestic violence and abuse (1)

***trigger alert*** 


I have discussed many aspects of my traumatic life, and have mentioned numerous times part of the psychological, emotional and physical abuses I was a directly subjected to - mostly by my father. 

If you want to read, or re-read those previous posts, they are all under the label abuse and more specifically posts 107, 102, 95, 67, 63. 

I also vaguely discussed some of the consequences of the abuse. Lack of self-esteem and trust issues, difficulties asking other's help, post-traumatic cycles, obvious post-traumatic stress, and I even had a period during which I couldn't control myself and bullied back fellow students in a school where I was bullied. 

In spite of these numerous posts, I never truly discussed another traumatic aspect of my youth. One that I learned is experienced by 1 person out of 7 : Domestic violence, or in short ''DV'' like its twitter hashtag. 

120- Book reading - Invincible (B.F. Martin) (part 2)

 Book- InVincible

Author : Brian F. Martin

Note : 9/10

Year: 2014

Perigree. ISBN 978-0-399-16657-0

265 pages

I started reading this book yesterday- if you want to my first part, pertaining mostly to a summary of its content and my first impressions, read entry 119 

This second part will be edited as I progressed in my reading, so you'll have to come back to it again.

Thus far,  I only read the forward and preface, followed by Mr Martin's read me first - where he told of the importance of reading the book in order and not skip the chapters, as one leads to the next, and I read chapter 1, Undiscovered gifts. 


There, the author tells a bit of his story, and how he came to the project that is this book: a childhood in a house full of domestic violence, which lead him through the years to find his inner peace and his hopes that we, his readers, can do the same.
He came to the conclusion that we adults who had survived the difficulties of domestic violence have an inner strength to tap into and use to grow and fulfill the potentials we had and which were stolen from us when we were children.

119- Book reading - Invincible (B.F. Martin) (part 1)

 Book- InVincible

Author : Brian F. Martin

Note : ?/10

Year: 2014

Perigree. ISBN 978-0-399-16657-0

265 pages

> to part 2, detailing this book

It's been a while since I discussed any mental health book that I was reading, so here it is. I started my current one just yesterday (8/08/16), and thus it's a fresh topic.

A fellow MH friend on twitter said on her page that it was a very positive read for her, and I think, thus far, that it'll have indeed enough information to draw upon. 

Brian F. Martin's book's aim - as the cover announces - the 10 lies that children growing up with domestic violence learn, and suggests truths to set ''you'' free. 

118- Paris trip, social phobias & CBT assignments (2)

Just like my previous trip to Paris, I had a CBT session before this one and had up to 4 tasks for the 2 weeks between my 2 appointments. 

• Sending an official email > I did that during the first week, but have had no reply from the mental health organisation that I'd contacted. I plan to send my message again. 
• 
  
• Spend longer time in supermarkets, to reduce my anxieties > I'd been doing it partially since the previous CBT and continued throughout the past 2 weeks.
• 
  
• Continue asking for info & directions > again, this was the previous CBT assignment, and I continued it as much as I could, including during Paris visit that I'll detail.
• 
  
• I wasn't able to invite anyone to spend some time in our apartment, but the visit to someone else's in Paris, with my wife's family fulfilled part of this task.

117- CBT 2016-5

I had my fifth CBT session this morning and it was quite conclusive. 
Since my last session, I was supposed to continue asking for information and directions in the street, stores and transports, and also invite newer friends - those I know less - to my home, which is next on my relative social situational anxiety scale. 

116 - About acronyms and terms

I know it's an odd choice to start talking about it right now, but this is a post that shall be updated periodically, to include a number of acronyms that I use, their meaning and if I can, link to fuller definitions - especially of terms that I often use and shorten to save some time and space. 

115- Art : from art, to art therapy (4) - 2016 !

Previous entries :
111 ; 112 ; 113 & 114

7 years is a long time not to make any art. But, I hadn't felt any kind of inspiration or will to act on any rare images that did reach my mind... I didn't feel particularly good, nor that I'd ever improve.

I thought my art was far in my past, and that living in the present meant not dwelling on my lack of talents and skills. I thought I was mediocre and would remain it, because I had no patience to learn and improve, and didn't accept the frustrations of the ugly phase - that phase where everything that I could make would appear wonky, crooked, out of focus, and immature.

I had in my mind the end product, not the journey... 

114- Art : from art, to art therapy (3) - 2008-2009

In my previous installments of this art to art-therapy series, i discussed the origins of this project and proposed some of my art pieces from 2004-2007. 

If you want to read those previous entries, they are 

111 ; 112 & 113 

113- Art : from art, to art therapy (2) - 2004-2007

The ongoing series of art related posts continues with this travel through time. 

If you want to read about the beginning of this series, read posts 

111 & 112

112- Art : from art, to art therapy

In post 111, I mentioned how I've been suffering from emotional numbing and dissociation, as part of my cPTSD. 

To help me revive my emotions, I thought of using art as another self-expression tool - aside for my blogs and photography.  But, as I lacked self-esteem regarding my art and the feeling that I was too much of a novice and wouldn't share it outside of my inner circles, I hadn't initially planed to post any of it online. 

111 - PTSD 9 - Dissociation, Numbing & art projects

A couple months ago, I mentioned how part of PTSD issues pertain to emotional numbness, which is part of the dissociative nature of post-traumatic stress. 

As far as I can tell, some people have more or less permanently emotionless (emotional numbing) and others, like me, have recurring periods of it. 

I am going through one such an episode right now. Actually, I think it's been going on for a few weeks, with peaks every few days where my emotions go totally blank and I cannot know or fathom what it is that I'm feeling, if at all.

I know that my psych is very busy with nostalgic memories and thoughts regarding my paternal grand-father. I wrote about it just last week, in my Sacrifices entry 107. 

This past week alone, I've dreamed about him 4 times, and I think there were a few more this past month. 

But, the overall atmosphere the past 3-6 weeks have been a growing emotional void, that numbness and dissociative nature of PTSD. 

110 - I'm doing much better, and more

Read on post 109 to know what happened to me these past few days... and now :
Today was a difficult day in the world. One more of those you wake up to and read horrible news, but I try to remain focused and not read too much as I cannot change anything in this hatred and it's not sane for me to get all that distressing news about death - not that I don't feel sad or horrified, but I just cannot lose sight of my own sanity and mental health. 

So, I managed to eat better today, from cold rice, alone, then with corn- right from breakfast to lunch. 

109 - update to ''I am not well''

Update to 108 : expansion, to answer what the hell happened to me?


I am not well. I emotionally ate junk food (one that is made from corn, peanuts, oil, salt & pepper), that I am quite addicted to... 

I now remember why I had stopped buying it, years ago... I now just paid with my emotional eating : I just threw up 3 times in a row, because I also have emetophobia, because once it starts, I feel it and makes me nauseous and I go on.